BURGER GUIDELINES.

Hamburgers! Hamburgers hamburgers hamburgers. If you find yourself ever in the city of Hamburg, remember that the Hamburger Sparkasse does not sell food. It is a bank. Why would they sell hamburgers in a bank? That’s crazy talk.

I wish I had something more practical to say, but honestly the topic has been done to death. What input could I honestly have? Well I’ve been thinking about what goes into a good ‘burger quite a bit recently. The “Steakhouse” I until recently worked in moves mostly half-pound burgers, instead of the $45 steaks, and it was tied at the hip to a “fast casual” (ooh! Restaurant industry buzz word!) burger joint designed by a certain talked-about meat purveyour in the New York/ New Jersey area.

They put pork roll on the burger. They sliced it too thin. That was a disappointment. The burger itself was good, though. I started to eat there regularly, but wound up just getting the burgers with American Cheese, Lettuce, Tomato, Onion, and Mayonnaise. I had a discussion at one point with the guy who ran the joint day to day about the bread they used. Potato bread makes a good burger bun in my opinion, they toasted theirs - but without butter. For the life of me I can’t understand why you wouldn’t put butter on a hamburger bun.

This one time, I made a hamburger at work: 8 oz. patty, cooked medium, on a garlic-buttered, toasted brioche roll with 4 cheeses - pepper jack cheese, cheddar cheese, swiss, and blue cheese dressing.  I topped it with lettuce, tomato, and onion. It was delicious.

Anyway; Since I’m so awesome, I figured I’m qualified to go off on what makes a good burger:

You want a solid, but not too dense bun.

Brioche and Challah are what you’ll find in a lot of burger places nowadays, the sweetness pairs decently with the savory burgers. Sourdough or Rye slices are good if you’re just using slices (for a patty melt or what have you) Ciabatta or Portugese Rolls I’ve found tend to be too dense and chewy to pair well with the burger. For small burgers or sliders, go with the potato roll.

Also, Butter the roll and toast it. In a toaster oven, or the regular oven... (the butter would … you know… probably drip into your vertical toaster… but you probably kind of figured that.)

GET SOME DECENT MEAT. Skip the frozen patties. FOR SOME REASON EVERYONE IN NEW YORK CAN'T SHUT UP ABOUT PAT LAFREIDA, THERE ARE OTHER BURGERS IN THIS WORLD. JUST GET SOME DECENT MEAT.
Try the Farmer's Market.

Salt the burger before you cook it - this is important.

Cook your burger to medium / medium-rare.
Here’s how you tell without cutting:

With one hand take your middle finger and thumb and press them together.
Using your index finger from your other hand, poke the muscle connecting your thumb to your wrist.
This is how a medium-cooked piece of meat feels!
 If you move your thumb to your index finger, that’s medium-rare.
Move it to your ring or pinky, that’s medium-well and well.
Remove your thumb from your fingers and that’s rare!
I was super excited to write that! (could you tell?)

Honestly, though - if you eat a burger cooked more than, oh say, medium - you should be very, very ashamed of yourself.

Melt your cheese:

Think about what toppings you’re going to put on. Does your cheese go with them? Do you have mustard and pickles? Skip the blueberry stilton. … etc. etc. you get where I’m going with this.

Choose your toppings wisely:

Well, not really - have fun and experiment, but overloading can take the joy out of eating the burger, especially with smaller patties. The more substantive the burger the better to pair with loads of crazy excess, but seriously: eat a vegetable people. Veggies are good on top of burgers, grilled onions - lettuce - tomato - coleslaw - all delicious!

There you go. I've seen so much written on hamburgers lately that I can't bother with anything else anymore.

Also! Hi! I'm going to start posting on this thing again! thanks for reading.