Things I WISH I had learned in Culinary School

This is going to be a little free-form writing exercise to get myself back in the habit of, you know, being a contributing member of society. But since I have the free time and the internet connection- I thought I might muse a bit on a few points I really *really* wish had been made more abundantly clear to me before I had started this whole thing.

1. The hot chick in my high-school german class who sat across the room who said she was into cooking didn't really mean "hey, if you're a chef you can get into my pants"

That is totally more my fault than anything, and I really *really* should've put less focus on how lonely I was and more on like, what I'm actually good at.

But I AM good at cooking, so there's that - and okay, there is definitely a whole lot of bonin' going on in the industry, but I spend so much time between work and side projects that I really never had time to take part in it, plus it is *ALWAYS* awkward to have to deal with people who are screwing at work. Just saying that.

2. Working with different chefs is a lot more like dating than it should be.

Seriously, and when the Chef I'm working for is a lady it adds a whole new sort of sub-dom sexy dynamic that invariably pops up in my head and totally works against me. I am just a shitty person like that.

But regardless of gender you can pretty much break down every chef i've worked with into similar genres of ex-girlfriends.

- That one where you were kind of doing it but really had no idea and everything was stupid. 

- The first serious one that taught you a whole lot and it ended weird but you still kind of remember it fondly even though you were a young idiot and screwed everything up.

- Bad rebound.

- The one that got away, that you like learned tons from and like things from and just like connected with man, and then she freakin' moved to Chicago and you're like "you'll still call me, right baby?"

- The one that you knew wasn't a great idea, but you're like "I can make this work" and you stick with them for way, way, way too long and they dump you anyway.

- That like, weird open phase where you've got a few things going on but they all sort of all know you're not committed to any of them.

- The one that keeps farting on you.

LETS MAKE SOME MOTHERFUCKING CHILE RELLENOS.

LETS MAKE SOME MOTHERFUCKING CHILE RELLENOS.

TAKE A POBLANO PEPPER. OR AN ANAHEIM CHILI, INFACT - TAKE THE ANAHEIM CHILI BECAUSE ONLY DOUCHEBAGS WHO WATCH BOBBY FLAY STILL EAT POBLANOS. CUT A SLIT IN THE SIDE. PICK ALL THE SEEDS AND SHIT OUT. GRILL THAT SHIT TIL THE OUTSIDE IS ALL BLACK. PEEL THAT BLACK SHIT OFF. TAKE SOME OAXACA CHEESE. ITS MEXICAN STRING CHEESE. OAXACA IS A FUN WORD TO SAY. OAXACA OAXACA OAXACA. STUFF THAT SHIT INSIDE THE PEPPER. MIX ABOUT A CUP OF FLOUR WITH SOME SALT, NOT TOO MUCH - DICK, BE REASONABLE ABOUT IT. WHIP UP SOME EGGS UNTIL THEY'RE FLUFFY. DON'T DO THIS IN FRONT OF A BUNCH OF GUYS 'CAUSE IT'S GONNA LOOK LIKE YOU'RE JERKING OFF. THEY WILL MAKE FUN OF YOU. POKE A TOOTHPICK THROUGH THE PEPPER TO CLOSE THAT SHIT UP. TOSS THE SEALED-UP PEPPER IN THE FLOUR (DON'T ACTUALLY TOSS IT, DICK - YOU SET IT IN THE FLOUR, AND TAKE SOME OF THE FLOUR AND POUR IT ON TOP AND THEN SORT OF ROLL IT AROUND. IF YOU'RE ACTUALLY TOSSING IT YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE AND SHOULD QUIT COOKING.) THEN RUN THE FLOUR-COATED PEPPER THROUGH THE EGGS TO GET IT COATED. THEN FRY THAT SHIT. I USE A DEEP FRYER BUT YOU CAN JUST USE A POT FULL OF OIL. GET THAT SHIT CRISPY, SET IT ON SOME TOWELS TO DRY - I WOULD NOT SUGGEST USING THE SAME TOWEL YOU CLEAN YOUR DOG'S PEE UP WITH - UNLESS YOU'RE COOKING FOR YOUR EX. THEN DO THAT. ESPECIALLY IF SHE STOLE ALL YOUR CDS. OR DON'T, ACTUALLY, BECAUSE IT MESSES WITH THE INTEGRITY OF YOUR FOOD. ALSO: WHO KEEPS CDS? GET AN MP3 PLAYER, DICK.
ANYWAY, PUT THAT SHIT ON A PLATE WITH SOME BEANS AND RICE AND EAT THE FUCK OUT OF IT.

GRAND RE-OPENING!

How do you get back into doing something you've neglected for a while?

I like to just go ahead and tear off the metaphorical bandage.

(In the case of real bandages, I'm often meticulously slow as to avoid the potential for owies)

So- Check it out! Here I am writing things again.

Let's kick this off with a real quick recipe I learned on my Honeymoon in Latin America:

Baja California style Ceviche.

4oz. Fresh fish (Red Snapper, Tilapia, Sole - or any kind of white fish you like)
2 Large heirloom tomatoes - small dice
1 Med. onion - small dice
2 TBSP minced cilantro
1 Small serrano chile, brunoise
1 1/2 C. lime juice fresh.
1/2 C. lemon juice, fresh.
Sea salt - to taste.

Chop up the Fish real good like, toss in with the onion, tomato, cilantro, and chili. Cover with the lime & lemon juice, and let it sit for an hour.

Then eat it.

So there you go. I learned that at some point in the last... what is it? 2 years? Jesus, I suck at blogging.

Go read my Yelp! reviews, I've been better at keeping up with that.

Carrot Green Pesto! - Oh I don't know why.

You can totally eat top bit of the carrot! - you know, that green stuff that everyone swears you can’t eat because rabbits don’t eat them? Turns out rabbits aren’t especially discerning gourmands. Well... at least Google tells me you can eat them. I haven’t gotten sick yet, so it’s got to be at least partially true... right? 

Okay, so I’m not really endearing you to my cooking ability and reassuring you that I have any idea whatsoever about the subject I’m writing about - but I assure you that carrot greens make for a fantastic addition to a number of dishes. 

One of my favorite things to do to test out any new greany-leafy thing is see how well it works in a pesto. It’s a remarkable sauce that is quite easy to make and is a big hit at parties - or so I’m told. I do spend an awful lot of time in the kitchen. I like to imagine it’s a big hit at parties at least. I like it. that’s what really matters. 

Anyhoo, point is: You shouldn’t throw away your carrot greens - fresh greens make a rather fantastic pesto. 

Rotini in Carrot-Green & Parsley Pesto

• Olive Oil
• Parmesan Cheese
• Pine Nuts, or Almonds (finely chopped)
• Carrot Greens (roughly chopped)
• Parsley (roughly chopped)
• Salt & Pepper
• Rotini (cooked)

Hey, Notice I didn’t put any amounts in? That’s because this is something you can make to your own standards & tastes - you can make it thicker by using a higher greens to oil ratio, or vice versa. Besides, if you’re always using proper measurements you’re never going to develop a real flair for cooking. 

For the record, the thicker pesto is better for incorporating into pesto-cream sauce, the thinner better for heating up in a pan to quickly toss your pasta in.  

So we’re gonna make the thin stuff!

The process is the same either way, so let’s get to it:

Oh yeah, you’ll need a blender.

• Put a little bit of olive oil down the bottom of the blender.
• Take your greens and your parsley. Put them in that same blender.
• Add the cheese (or don’t - if you don’t eat cheese, you probably shouldn’t add it)
• Take the middle of the lid of the blender out, you need this bit open so you can add more oil.
• Start with a few pulses of the blender.
• Set the blender to a low setting, slowly drizzle olive oil in until everything flows smoothly.
• Pour the mixture out into a bowl.
• Fold in nuts
• add salt and pepper to taste.
• Heat the pesto up in a pan over low heat - just slightly
• Add the freshly cooked & drained pasta. Toss in pesto.

A couple of variants I’d like to touch on:

• I like to add lightly sauteed veggies, roasted garlic, & bacon to this mix.
• As I mentioned before - a slightly thicker pesto mixed with a cream sauce makes a great pesto cream sauce.
• You can totally add whatever herbs & spices to this mix to make it your own - Basil is the classic, of course - but I ran a special using Cilantro pesto once and everyone seemed to like it.

So there you go! Carrot Green Pesto. Enjoy!

Flatbush Farm Share: Week 1

So I Signed up for the Flatbush Farm Share - or, more accurately, Julie signed us up for it. We're getting our second shipment today but I wanted to write a little bit about what I did with the first week's delivery.

J says she always wanted to sign up for some sort of CSA, but wasn't confident enough in her cooking ability. With me in the house, she somehow found the confidence (or rather, confidence in my ability to figure something out)

So; last week comes around and I find myself with a couple of rather large bags full of vegetables. The run-down looked a little bit like this:

Field Green Mix
Boston Bibb Lettuce
Zucchini
Kale
Carrots w/ greens
Turnips w/ greens.
Parsley

It was a pretty interesting mix, at first I had no idea what to do with any of them, in fact: I haven't used all of it up yet.. but I've come up with some pretty interesting recipes out of the mix.  So far I've made a salad using the Turnip & Field Greens, Rotini tossed in a pesto made with the carrot greens, Beef & Chicken stew made with the Carrots and Turnips, and some rather decent dishes of sauteed Kale and Zucchini to go with a giant pot of Jalapeno Mac & Cheese. I'll be posting the recipes written up properly in the next couple of days, and give you guys some updates on the new shipment - which I'm finding myself increasingly excited about.

Anyway, to hold you over: here are some turnips. 

Tacos! (In Case You're Wondering, I Made Them Today)

So, I've been following food carts of late. Specifically I've been eating at just about every hispanic/latin-american taco truck I see. I've taken my time observing what goes into the food they serve and I've been trying to apply it to the "Mexican" food I make.

Today I faced a sort of conundrum. One I'm sure most people have run into. I was hungry, I didn't have much in the house, and I was tired - and I didn't want to put too much effort into anything. So, I said to myself: what better for quick food than food cart food?

So, here's what I made:

Really Quick Taco Recipe:

Ingredients:
Corn Tortillas
Ground Beef
Chili Powder
Cumin
Salt
Pepper
Onion (Small Dice or Brunoise)
Cilantro (You can rough chop it, I chose to go with a Chiffonade)
Lemon, cut into wedges.
Hot Sauce.
Queso de Papa (Shredded) 
Olive Oil.

I cooked this entire meal on a griddle.
(Just so you know)

Step I: Heat up the pan with a little bit of olive oil.

Step II: Sweat the onions.

Step III: Add the Cumin, Chili Pepper, and Pepper.

Step IV: Add the Ground Beef.

Step V: Turn with wooden spoon or spatula, cook to well done.

Step VI: Remove the beef mixture.

Step VII: Quickly heat up the corn tortillas on the griddle. (both sides)

Step VIII: Lay the tortillas out, top with a bit of the ground beef, then add the onion, cilantro, hot sauce, lemon juice, and cheese.

Step IX: CONSUME.

So... there you go, that's what I did today.

Pop Ups; or: Industry Buzz Words Abound!

I was going to try to write something, but you know - after watching Top Iron Chopped Chef the other night and hearing all these buzzwords about pop-up restaurants, I got bored and decided to come up with some of my own, here's a short menu for one, let me know if you'd eat at it:

B's Burgers

(or Burger Joint Concept #1) 

SANDWICHES:  

THE BRATTY

Bratwurst in burger-form. Seared on our flat top and served on a hard roll with dijon mustard. 

THE LAMBURGER

Lamb shoulder ground into a delicious patty - seasoned and seared on our flat top and served on fresh foccacia with lettuce, onion, tomato, and tzaziki. 

THE NUMBER 1

Classic hamburger, served on a potato roll with Irish cheddar, lettuce, tomato, onion, and mayo. 

THE GRILL

Chicken. Marinated in olive oil, lemon, rosemary, and sea salt. Seared and served on a potato roll with lettuce, tomato, and mayo. 

THE FRYER

Chicken - again. Brined overnight, breaded, and fried. Served on a buttered hard roll with house-made dill pickles.   

THE PORK SANDWICH

Pork - for a change. Marinated in a blend of spices, seared on our flat-top and served straight up on a hard roll. 

THE BAP

Back Bacon on a buttered, toasted potato roll. 

NOT SANDWICHES:

ICEBERG WEDGE

Iceberg (as evidenced by the name of this entry) sliced in a vaguely-wedge shaped... wedge, and topped with cheddar cheese, back bacon, and ranch dressing.

ARUGULA AND GOAT CHEESE

Arugula, tossed in lemon juice, served with goat cheese and candied pecans. 

GIANT CHUNKS OF CHICKEN

Chicken Nuggets, coated in panko bread crumbs, fried to a crispy golden brown, and served with Thai chili sauce and Garlic Aioli. 

THE WHOLE FILLET

Fillet of fish, battered and fried. Served with classic remoulade. 

SIDES:

BAY FRIES

Thick cut house-made french fries.

SWEET CORN FRITTERS

We take delicious corn, batter it, and deep fry it.

HOUSE SALAD

Field greens tossed in citrus vinaigrette. 

THE SAUCES:

House BBQ, Honey Mustard, Remoulade, Garlic Aioli, Thai Chili, and Tzaziki.