This is One Way to Fry Fish.

I may have mentioned this before:

Just about everywhere I’ve worked has had some sort of major equipment or supply shortage for one reason or another. Learning how to deal with this is probably the most useful thing I got out of learning how to cook at Baltimore International College. With the exception of the showroom kitchens - which had fancy looking equipment, but far too many students to offer all students a chance to learn how to use them - most of the kitchens I studied in while I was attending BIC included rows of metal tables with countless duplicates of the stove from your first apartment in between. This meant we had to improvise a fair amount of the time - Instead of a temperature controlled deep fryer, when we had to fry something we would just fill a Brazier (note: do not confuse with Brassiere, please. Think of the children.) with vegetable oil - turn on the heat - and either flick some water into it, or stick a wooden spoon handle-down into the grease to see when it was ready. Forget Blenders - we made Hollandaise the OLD FASHIONED way - aka the way you NEVER make it in a restaurant unless you want to be bounced out the door. Part of me still thinks “Holland-aise” should be mayo with weed in it - do you see what I did there?

… anyway, This has helped me do a bit of home cooking from time to time. Fried Fish or Fried Chicken is a whole heck of a lot easier to make with by just placing a generous layer of oil down the bottom of a wok and frying it that way, rather than using a snazzy contraption you just bought out of sky mall.

So, I’m gonna walk you through my favorite recipe for Fried Fish - but the breading method I’m about to mention can be used to bread just about anything.

In the case of this recipe I’m not giving specific amounts. The general rule is to make sure you have enough of each ingredient to cover whatever you’re battering - and to avoid clumps of batter in the individual ingredients.

Pan-Fried Tilapia

Ingredients:
Tilapia Filets
Flour
Eggs
Panko Bread Crumbs
Salt, Pepper, Spices.


The Process: 
Prep:
1. Arrange the thawed Tilapia on a plate or in a shallow vessel of some sort. Pat dry with a paper towel.
2. Pour a generous amount of Flour into a flat, shallow vessel such as a cake pan or hotel pan.
3. Add the Salt, Pepper, and Spices to the Flour.
4. Do the same with the Bread Crumbs.
5. Crack a few eggs into a bowl and whisk them together. Pour the eggs into a Cake Pan or Hotel Pan.
6. Arrange the Ingredients as Such on the counter:
    Tilapia - Flour - Eggs - Breadcrumbs
7. Place an other empty vessel at the end to hold the battered fish.
    Tilapia - Flour - Eggs - Breadcrumbs - Breaded Tilapia
8. Take a piece of Tilapia with one hand. Place it in the Flour.
9. Using that same hand, pile some flour (covering the Tilapia) on top of the Tilapia. Pat gently.
10. Pick up the Tilapia - with the same hand - and gently shake off the excess flour.
11. Place the Tilapia in the Egg Mixture. Pick Up, Flip Over. Shake off excess egg mixture.
12. Using your OTHER hand, place the Tilapia in the Bread Crumbs. Pile the breadcrumbs on top (covering the Tilapia) and pat down in a fashion similar to what you did with the flour.
13. Pick up, place in the empty vessel.
14. Repeat until you have breaded all of the Tilapia.

Cooking:
15. Fill the Wok or Frying Pan about 1/3 to 1/2 full with Vegetable Oil, Corn Oil, Peanut Oil, or Soy Oil (or any combination thereof)
16. Turn on the Heat to Medium / Medium-High.
17. When you stick a wooden spoon into the oil and bubbles come up rapidly, your grease is ready.
(alternatively, you can drop a small amount of batter  - or flick a very very small (like, 1 or 2 droplets) amount of water into the grease to see if its ready. If it sizzles, it is.)

18. Gently place the Breaded Tilapia Filet in the Heated Grease. Use a metal ladle to ladle some hot grease on top of the Tilapia if it is not completely submerged. If necessary, flip after a few minutes.

19. Cook until the coating turns golden brown. In a fish this thin it really shouldn’t take more than 5 minutes.

20. Remove from Oil, Place on a paper-towel lined plate to drain excess oil.

21. Plate & Serve.

22. CONSUME.

I Never Got Why Cheesecake is a Slang Term for Semi-Naked Ladies.

Happy Labor Day! This recipe has nothing to do with Labor Day, Summer, or Fall! 

Grand Marnier Cheesecake.

Ingredients:
3 LBS Cream Cheese
1 LB White Sugar
8 Whole Eggs
2 Oz Grand Marnier
1 TBSP Lemon Zest
½ CUPS Butter, Melted
2 CUPS Graham Cracker Crumbs

The Process:
1. Mix the Graham Cracker Crumbs and the Butter Together.
2. Press into the bottom of a Round Cake Pan or a Springform Cake Pan.
3. Let the Crust set up for several hours in a refrigerator.
4. Using an Electric Mixer, cream together the Sugar, Zest, and the Cream Cheese.
5. Set the Electric Mixer to Slow. Add the eggs, 1 by 1 to the mix.
6. Stop the Mixer, Scrape the sides using a rubber spatula.
7. Resume Mixing for an other minute. Add the Grand Marnier.
8. Scrape, Repeat as necessary until thoroughly mixed.
9. Add the Cream Cheese Mix to the Graham Cracker Crust
10. Bake at 200 Degrees for an hour, or until the edges of the Cheesecake turn golden-brown, but the center is still white.
11. Chill overnight.
12. Devour.
Alternatively, you can set the cheesecake in a water bath. This will require a longer cooking time, but will help you avoid cracks on top.

Cheesecake is a Baked Custard, a lot like Crème Brulee.

I made this cake as a dessert special once upon a time… I spent a fair amount of time initially trying to get it right. Toying with a cheesecake recipe is a bother - because if you don’t cook it long enough then it doesn’t set up when you chill it, and you basically get a big pile of goop when you try to cut it. Also mixing it can be a pain, you really need to make sure to scrape the sides and don’t rely solely on the mixer. I have seriously messed up on this - my own recipe that I created - several times.

It’s been one of my favorite recipes to make a simple dessert that lots of people are guaranteed to love. It’s especially good for Holidays or Birthdays. I’ve topped it with glazed strawberries, blueberries, and kiwi to make a sort of fruit-tart, powdered sugar, fruit, and chocolate (shavings or ganache) also make decent toppings. I’ve also coated it with sugar and bruleed the top. This recipe works pretty well if you cut out the Grand Marnier and the Lemon Zest as well.

On the topic of Cheesecake:

I could spend a fair amount of time harping on The Cheesecake Factory - and how it’s what soccer moms think is upscale, and how cheesecake has sort of become an example of that in general, and I would be completely 100% right about that. But to be honest there’s not a lot to be said about those sort of chains - and the food they've watered down and mass marketed - that hasn’t already been covered in greater depth and more insight somewhere else. I don’t like them, I don’t think there’s a reason for me to give them any coverage. Also one time they served me a Kobe Burger with Mushrooms but no Cheese. When I asked for cheese they just brought me out a cold slice and were like “here” and I was like “WTF?” But it’s basically Uncle Moe’s Family Feedbag, and I think I’ve made my point sufficiently.

I haven’t got much of a story to go with this recipe, in the end. A girl I really liked once really liked this cheesecake when I gave her a piece. She decided to date some other jerk instead. I don’t really care about that story except as a way to show how much of a winy emo kid I was way back when… But this is one of those desserts that the ladies love. Seriously. I’ve gotten plenty of comments on it. Julie even likes it - and she’s really adamant about not liking cheesecake in most other situations.  Especially the Cheesecake Factory.

I think that’s basically the main thrust of my argument here: I’m better at Cheesecake than the Cheesecake Factory.

Still Too Hot.

Seriously. It's way too hot.

Salad is a good hot day food.

Here's how you make salad dressing.

3 parts Olive Oil
1 part Vinegar
Herbs, Spices, Salt & Pepper to Taste

That's how you make vinaigrette. that's all too it. Next time you see a salad with Balsamic Vinaigrette or Raspberry Vinaigrette you can also think "Shortcut to extra $$$"

Custard Custard Custard Custard!

I keep clicking on “next blog” as if I hope to find some magical treasure trove of undiscovered talent who just happens to be one random click away from discovery. 

It would be awesome to get in on the ground floor of something for once - as opposed to constantly checking in about 5 years after peak popularity. As it stands, naturally, I haven’t. Everyone who uses blogger seems to be glibly recounting the exploits of their precious children and their adorable little faces you just want to squeeze until you just… can’t pretend to give a shit about your damn little wiener kids anymore. I know my 5 or so readers (19 on Facebook the last time I looked!) aren’t really a validation of my writing skills, and certainly no reason for me to brag about what I write here, but quite honestly there’s a certain amount of cases where something you happen to think is just so fantastic really isn’t. I can’t hate too much, I suppose some part of me thinks “write about what you want to write about, who am I to judge?” but an other part of me is an avid fan of STFU Parents (http://stfuparents.tumblr.com/) your blog is like sitting through someone else’s vacation slides. Except worse, because you’re using bandwidth that could be used for something like hardcore pornography - you know, something that’s of actual value to society.

My point is, I hate overzealous parents and I especially hate their kids.

Bakers are kind of the same way.

Not in the hating-children part, I like to think that part of my personality developed after a combination of years watching of George Carlin routines and having had to clean up after 150 screaming brats watching the latest mass-market CGI talking gerbil crap fest mass market movies those shrieking little bastards love.

What I mean is, bakers are a little overzealous when it comes to their product. They’re scientists, artisans, craftsmen. They measure everything meticulously, plan their next recipe days, weeks, or months ahead. They try and retry, and practice techniques until they have something perfect. I know, I’ve been a baker. But more importantly, I’ve worked under bakers. One particular baker who I did not particularly like working with (and who, quite luckily, did not happen to understand any of the German I was prone to responding in) was particularly proud of a Crème Brulee Tart special that consisted of a pastry crust, a layer of chocolate, custard, and finally caramelized sugar on top. As a low rung on the totem pole at this particular establishment I was expected to plate these particular dishes. Now, I had at this point worked previously at a restaurant where Crème Brulee was the top selling dish, and we got to use FIRE to get those bad boys out of the kitchen - literally we used a full sized butane torch. Here, on the other hand, we had to use what Alton Brown called “Glorified Cigarette Lighters” (If a Food Network host has to say that about a kitchen gadget - you know it has to be crap) which meant this product took longer to prepare and inevitably backed up the line. (Then again, maybe I was just terrible at it) So we had this tart which took an inordinate amount of time to put together, which the pastry chef had sweated over and spent weeks perfecting. Thing is, anyone who tried it didn’t particularly care for it. It was decent - but not up to the caliber that most people expected from the restaurant, and it certainly wasn’t what people who wanted Crème Brulee really wanted - they wanted a thick custard with a caramel top. The chocolate and the pastry crust just sort of got in the way. In the end the dessert just sort of petered out, but not before the pastry chef took the opportunity to show the pantry cooks exactly how to make it perfect - and not before said pastry chef took every opportunity to hop in and cradle their baby. I dunno, maybe I’m just griping because I really wanted to use a big boy torch again, but then again - I can’t shake the nagging feeling that if this particular pastry chef could’ve then we all would’ve read a long self indulgent rant on Facebook about how this pastry had changed their life.

Crème Brulee, though, is a fantastic dish. The classic preparation is one of my favorites. For a while it was my default “Panty Melter” dessert. (If it had only ever functioned as intended, however it not performing as such is more a result of my functional social ineptitude) so I thought I’d share my recipe for Crème Brulee - the custard base for which serves as an excellent binder for other foods like Bread Pudding.

THE INGREDIENTS:

1 QT (32 OZ) Heavy Cream
12 Egg Yolks
1 LB (16 OZ) Sugar
1 Vanilla Bean.
½ CUP White Sugar (for caramel topping)

THE PROCESS:

Phase I:
1) Whisk together the Egg Yolks and ½ of the Sugar until smooth in a mixing bowl.
2) Split the Vanilla Bean lengthwise using a paring knife, scrape out the inside.
3) Heat the Cream, the Vanilla Bean (the pod and the scrapings) and the remainder of the Sugar in a sauce pot over a low heat.
4) Using a towel, secure the mixing bowl with the egg mixture on a flat surface (so that when you whisk it the bowl will not tip)
5) Once the Cream Mixture has started to boil, remove it from the heat.
6) Slowly pour the Cream Mixture into the Egg Mixture, whisking constantly.
This is why it’s important to make sure the bowl is secure - unless you have a third hand there’s no way to hold everything in place and you will spill hot creamy goodness all over yourself (giggity)
7) Store the mixture in a container overnight - be sure to cover it with plastic wrap
The plastic wrap should touch the mixture, to help prevent a skin from developing; the skin is difficult to reincorporate into the mixture, and can affect your final product.

Phase II:
8) arrange several ramekins or other small ceramic dishes in a 9x13 cake pan or hotel pan.
9) pour enough water into the cake pan to cover the bottom of the pan up to ½ the height of the ramekins.
Don’t go any higher - otherwise it’ll be a colossal pain in the ass to move these guys into the oven.
10) pour the cream & egg mixture (custard) into the ramekins - to about 2/3 full.
11) cover the entire pan with aluminum foil, leaving about 2 inches in one of the corners uncovered.
12) bake at 200 degrees for 1-2 hours.
Be extra careful moving the custard into the oven - it won’t come out right if you get any water into the ramekins.
13) Remove, chill overnight.

Phase III:
14) Take the Chilled custard, sprinkle an even layer of white sugar
15)  Utilizing a butane torch, or your oven’s broiler setting heat the top of the custard until the sugar just caramelizes (turns brown-golden-brown).
16) Allow to sit for 1 minute - so the caramel solidifies.
17) Serve with Whipped Cream, Mint, or Fresh Fruit as you so desire.

We'll call this a "Learning Opportunity"

When I was a kid I used to think the world was awash in magic. 

Kitchens in chain restaurants were magical places where the food was all-you-could-eat and there were special magical elixers that made food taste better than anything you could get at home. It was pretty much the same deal at the movie theater - wherever it was they pulled the candy from when you ordered it must’ve looked a bit like Homer’s “Land of Chocolate” from Burns Verkaufen Der Kraftwerk. It’s not like that, of course - the candy is stored in a cabinet under the counter (one that’s uniquely vulnerable to mouse infestation) and kitchens at chain restaurants are catastrophic displays of corporate earnings over care for customers, ingredients, or taste. There’s nothing special. I worked in a movie theater concession stand for 2 years, about half a year longer than I wanted to - but there was this one girl I really wanted to nail. I’ve worked for 2 separate major chains - and the kitchens are surprisingly similar: the wrong equipment for the wrong jobs, food that sits under heat lamps and on steam tables, way more dirty than the average simpleton would like to imagine... yada yada yada. Like anything though, I like to turn it into a learning opportunity. There’s a reason kids like these places: they’re simple, generic food designed to appeal to the most people possible - The Grilled Cheese at one of these places simply involved 2 pieces of White Bread, Processed American Cheese, and that wonderful sort of liquid artificial butter made from God knows what. You put the cheese between the slices of bread, brushed the butter on the outside using a pastry brush, and either put it on the sandwich press or toasted it in a sauté pan simple as that. They could sell $0.50 worth of ingredients to some screaming kid and their self important entitled mother for $5. I’ll give them that, they know what they’re doing.

But knowing that technique, it’s not hard to adapt it to make something that’s actually worth eating, So today I’ll go with the simplest go-to meal I make whenever I don’t really feel like cooking.

Grilled Cheese w/ Tomato & Arugula Salad

Ingredients:
2 Slices Whole Grain Bread
1 oz. Cheddar Cheese (sliced 1/8th inch thick)
3 TBSP Melted Butter
Whole Tomato, Sliced ¼ inch thick.
1 TBSP Olive Oil

Process:
Turn the burner on your stove to high
Put the olive oil in a saute pan or a cast-iron skillet.
Place the Cheese and the Tomato between the slices of bread.
Brush the outside of the sandwich with butter
Once the pan is hot, place the sandwich in the center.
Turn off the heat. Allow the sandwich to toast for about 1 minute
Turn on the heat to medium. Check for a golden-brown color, once that is reached, flip the sandwich over.
Allow to toast until golden brown & the cheese is melted.
Remove, Slice in half serve with Arugula Salad.

Arugula & Goat Cheese Salad

Ingredients:
A handful of Arugula (2 oz by weight)
2 Tbsp Crumbled Goat Cheese
¼ C. Candied Pecans
1/3 oz. Balsamic Vinegar
2/3 oz. Olive Oil
Salt
Fresh Cracked Black Pepper

Process:
Toss together the Arugula, the Candied Pecans, the Vinegar, and the Olive Oil.
Arrange the salad on a plate.
Top with Goat Cheese
Add Salt and Pepper to taste.

How to Convince People that Crabs are Food

Gripe Gripe Gripe…
Irony is a complex and often misunderstood concept. There’s rhetorical or literary irony - like me saying “voting republican sure would help the economy” which fits Bender’s definition of “The use of words expressing something than their literal intention;“ and situational irony - say, having your expensive high class wine ruined by a common animal - you know, the proverbial black fly in your chardonnay (for all everyone complains about that song - Alanis is technically right)

I bring this up because there’s a certain level of situational irony in the whole New York City crabcake situation. There are very few places that I’ve found since I moved here that really make a decent Maryland crabcake - quite often they’re loaded with imitation crab meat, or needlessly gussied up to attract pretentious food snobs and allow them to use adjectives like “Abundant” or “Cromulent” or whatever the hell they’re talking about.

I say this is Ironic because one of the principle complaints I heard while attending culinary school in Baltimore was how underdeveloped the palate of the average Baltimorean is - if anything ever needed spicing up we’d just dump Old Bay all over it and call it a day. One of the more ’hardass’ chef instructors even went so far as to ban the spice in his kitchen. In all fairness, the reputation for a lack of refinement is well earned - The incoming freshmen that I had the pleasure of cooking for in my A la Carte class constantly ordering well done steaks and iceberg lettuce with ranch dressing kind of sort of proves their point…

…but it is not an excuse for NYC - which purports to be America’s food capital - to be so lacking in a fundamental American regional cuisine. Sure, Maryland isn’t exactly well known for its cuisine, but what they do right they … well, do right (sorry, I’m bad at adjectives.) Come on, New Yorkers: If we can get everything from authentic Italian to Senegalese and Vietnamese food right, Someone should be able to take a 4 hour drive to Baltimore to get it right.

(Okay - that’s not entirely fair Samantha’s Southern Cuisine about a block from my apartment at Fulton & Grand Ave. in Brooklyn does a pretty mean crabcake for a decent price)

But regardless, I’m here to help anyway! (Because I can’t resist the opportunity to butt in where I’m clearly not invited)

So, anyway, here’s how you make a crabcake:

Ingredients:
8 oz. Crab Meat
Claw is decent if you’re on a budget; If you want to be flashier about it get some lump or jumbo lump
1 c. Panko Bread Crumbs
If you don’t want have Panko, use ¾ cup regular bread crumbs.
2 eggs
Old Bay
To taste
Salt & pepper
To taste
½ C. Mayonnaise
¼ of a small-medium lemon
½ tsp hot sauce

Procedure:
Squeeze the lemon juice into a mixing bowl.
Add the mayo, hot sauce, and old bay
Add the 2 eggs
Mix until smooth.
Fold in crab meat, bread crumbs.
Portion into 2 to 6 equal sized crab cakes. (2-4 oz. cakes)
Place on a greased baking sheet
Sprinkle with extra old bay if you’d like.
Bake in a 400 degree oven until done (7-10 minutes for the smaller, 10-15 for the larger)