How to Convince People that Crabs are Food

Gripe Gripe Gripe…
Irony is a complex and often misunderstood concept. There’s rhetorical or literary irony - like me saying “voting republican sure would help the economy” which fits Bender’s definition of “The use of words expressing something than their literal intention;“ and situational irony - say, having your expensive high class wine ruined by a common animal - you know, the proverbial black fly in your chardonnay (for all everyone complains about that song - Alanis is technically right)

I bring this up because there’s a certain level of situational irony in the whole New York City crabcake situation. There are very few places that I’ve found since I moved here that really make a decent Maryland crabcake - quite often they’re loaded with imitation crab meat, or needlessly gussied up to attract pretentious food snobs and allow them to use adjectives like “Abundant” or “Cromulent” or whatever the hell they’re talking about.

I say this is Ironic because one of the principle complaints I heard while attending culinary school in Baltimore was how underdeveloped the palate of the average Baltimorean is - if anything ever needed spicing up we’d just dump Old Bay all over it and call it a day. One of the more ’hardass’ chef instructors even went so far as to ban the spice in his kitchen. In all fairness, the reputation for a lack of refinement is well earned - The incoming freshmen that I had the pleasure of cooking for in my A la Carte class constantly ordering well done steaks and iceberg lettuce with ranch dressing kind of sort of proves their point…

…but it is not an excuse for NYC - which purports to be America’s food capital - to be so lacking in a fundamental American regional cuisine. Sure, Maryland isn’t exactly well known for its cuisine, but what they do right they … well, do right (sorry, I’m bad at adjectives.) Come on, New Yorkers: If we can get everything from authentic Italian to Senegalese and Vietnamese food right, Someone should be able to take a 4 hour drive to Baltimore to get it right.

(Okay - that’s not entirely fair Samantha’s Southern Cuisine about a block from my apartment at Fulton & Grand Ave. in Brooklyn does a pretty mean crabcake for a decent price)

But regardless, I’m here to help anyway! (Because I can’t resist the opportunity to butt in where I’m clearly not invited)

So, anyway, here’s how you make a crabcake:

Ingredients:
8 oz. Crab Meat
Claw is decent if you’re on a budget; If you want to be flashier about it get some lump or jumbo lump
1 c. Panko Bread Crumbs
If you don’t want have Panko, use ¾ cup regular bread crumbs.
2 eggs
Old Bay
To taste
Salt & pepper
To taste
½ C. Mayonnaise
¼ of a small-medium lemon
½ tsp hot sauce

Procedure:
Squeeze the lemon juice into a mixing bowl.
Add the mayo, hot sauce, and old bay
Add the 2 eggs
Mix until smooth.
Fold in crab meat, bread crumbs.
Portion into 2 to 6 equal sized crab cakes. (2-4 oz. cakes)
Place on a greased baking sheet
Sprinkle with extra old bay if you’d like.
Bake in a 400 degree oven until done (7-10 minutes for the smaller, 10-15 for the larger)