THE BACON CONUNDRUM: PART II

Bacon Mania has its own Wikipedia article.

Seriously. Check it out: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bacon_mania

There you can find pictures and descriptions of chocolate covered bacon, bacon topped doughnuts, chicken fried bacon, all the classics drooled over by sweaty mouth breathers the world round. Of course this sort of thing isn’t really my main bone of contention, but rather the kind of gimmicky stuff on sale over at Think Geek and at party centers ‘round the world. My last entry about the Internet’s love of bacon covered my main gripes about Baconnaise, and show off a little bit of my love for Pancetta, but this time around I want to provide for you all, in an enumerated list, all the reasons why these products are pointless - and what you should spend your time ordering off the internet if you really do enjoy a good slice of bacon.

THE BAD:

BACON POPCORN


Available at: http://www.thinkgeek.com/caffeine/wacky-edibles/cf26/

There are some key points I’m going to address real quick

1. The particular brand of Popcorn sold at Think Geek is microwave popcorn:

Me personally, I hate the smell of microwave popcorn, I’m pretty sure that’s enough… but I’m pretty sure the people who got cancer from working with all the artificial chemicals in microwave popcorn agree with me. (also, if you accuse me of hyperbole then I’m pretty sure you’re worse than Hitler)

2.  Again - no real bacon: What’s the point of Bacon Mania if you’re not having bacon?

3. Keeping that in mind, it’s an inferior knock-off of stuff you can get at plenty of high quality establishments:

One example here in Brooklyn: This particular Gastopub/Theater
Now, try Googling Bacon Popcorn + your home town and see what you come up with.

4. Not only can you get the real stuff, It’s a whole lot cheaper to make yourself:

If you order the stuff from Think Geek, you get 3 bags for $4.99. With the addition of Shipping and Handling that comes out to $10.38.

Here in Brooklyn ( not the cheapest area to buy food, mind you) a pound of bacon sets you back anywhere from $3 to $5, while un-popped popcorn costs about $2.50 for a 28oz. Bag. So if you plan it right you can make a whole bunch more popcorn using rendered bacon grease for about half the price of 3 bags of microwave popcorn.

So if that’s not enough reason, say maybe you want to give it as a gag gift:

My response to that is: it’s a shitty overpriced gag gift and you’re a terrible friend, and I don’t see why we hang out anymore.


THE GOOD:

RASHERS (IRISH BACON)


Available at: http://www.tommymoloneys.com/store/bacon-pork-products

If Pancetta is the Ferrari of Bacon, than Rashers are the … wait does Ireland make any cars? I was going to say “Aston Martin” but that’s an English car and I’m pretty sure that’s culturally insensitive. Anyway, I think Rashers are better than Pancetta - and that’s what I told a certain chef-de-cuisine in that conversation I was telling you about the other day. Right before I punched him in the face, pounded down a pint of Guinness, ate a raw potato, and blew up a London bus stop. (oh, ethnic stereotypes are fun!)

Rashers are a kind of Back Bacon - made from the loin of the pig (Think of it as the Bacon equivalent of Filet Mignon) with a strip of fat left on. This makes a Bacon that has a decent amount of fat for that same chewy quality you expect from regular American Bacon  but with a solid amount of meat. It’s fairly similar to what we call “Canadian Bacon” - except that Rashers have fat, and Canadian Bacon isn’t from Canada… and apparently they take that really seriously up there, or so I heard.

The Irish thing to do with Rashers is to either lay them out as part of a Full Irish Breakfast, or to stack a few of ‘em on a roll to make a “Bap” - which makes a great ‘on the go’ breakfast sandwich.

To be continued…

THE BACON CONUNDRUM: PART I

This obsession with bacon needs to stop.

There is no need for Tactical Canned Bacon, Bacon Mints, Chocolate Dipped Bacon,  Bacon Floss, Baconnaise, and so on and so on ad infinitum. The Internet’s obsession with bacon is beginning to border on being as obnoxious as Chuck Norris Jokes. That’s a shame, because bacon really is a quality product. Part of my problem is, there’s a wide spectrum of bacon in the world - it doesn’t deserve to be hawked as some cheap gimmick and party favor. I get why Chuck Norris needs his internet fame - he never learned to read and needs the paycheck to continue fighting against the evil evolutionists... but bacon never did anything bad to anyone. We need to understand it, not exploit it. Also, to reiterate, I’m sick of Chuck Norris jokes. But this is about bacon, if you wanted to read about my loathing for all things Chuck Norris you should check out my other blog at:

CHUCKNORRISISACOMPLETEPANSYANDONCETIMEIPUNCHEDHIMINTHEFACEANDHECRIEDLIKEALITTLEGIRLWHOLOSTHERMYLITTLEPONY.blogspot.com
(- editors note: that is not a real blog)

Right, about bacon:

what’s good, and what’s bad? Let’s take a look:


GOOD:



PANCHETTA

Source: Wikipedia

Panchetta is a kind of Belly Bacon, meaning it comes from, well, the belly of the pig.

Panchetta is, according to wikipedia, “A type of dry cured meat, similar to bacon. Salt cured, spiced, and dried for about three months.” I had a discussion once with the Chef de Cuisine at Victoria Gastropub in Columbia, MD about what kind of bacon was the best. He took the opinion that Panchetta was the Ferrari of meat. It’s Italian and everyone knows about it, so that’s one check for that particular metaphor.  Check two is that you can get a million uses out of it - Panchetta makes a delicious addition to Pizza, Eggs, as a topping for Broiled Oysters or Clams, and in Sauces ranging from simple cream sauces to traditional fare such as Pasta Carbonara.

BAD:



BACONNAISE

Source: Think Geek

Baconnaise is the big daddy of the internet bacon craze. It’s been on the Daily Show (they mocked it there, but you won’t hear that on the websites selling it) and on Oprah (I’m not sure what they said about it on Oprah, I imagine it came on to explain its feelings or some crap, I don’t watch Oprah, especially not while doing the laundry and I totally didn’t shed a tear or anything when I found out the upcoming season is the last like some giant wuss or something)

Here’s my beef with Baconnaise (PUN VERY MUCH INTENDED. I WILL DESTROY YOU. -Morbo) : So it doesn’t have bacon, they put that right on the bin. Brand honesty, right? Well if you’re looking to add smokey/salty flavor to your vegan/vegetarian dish, there’s no reason to add Baconnaise. It’s superfluous, anyone who’s seriously considering serving this to people would probably do better (and save a couple of bucks in the process) using Chipotle in Adobo, or - if they’re looking to avoid the (still pretty mild) spice - use smoked butter or olive oil. If you want actual bacon flavor - use actual bacon! As for Baconnaise... it’s schlocky… and its lame.

Also it tastes terrible and I was very disappointed. 

To be continued…