THE BACON CONUNDRUM: PART III

I like regular-ass Bacon. As much as I like Rashers, Speck, Pancetta, and all that jazz - nothing beats a couple (dozen) slices of salted smoked pork belly for breakfast. It’s who I am. Pancetta is a Ferrari, sure, but I really just want to get my hands on a Dodge Charger. For the longest time I didn’t know how restaurants got their bacon flat and crisp like they did. Whenever I would cook it at home it would crinkle up into odd little shapes, and I would overcook it on one side and leave it practically raw on the other. Before I went to culinary school I basically failed at bacon. Of course now I realize it’s a pretty simple process to make restaurant quality bacon just lay it out on a sheet pan lined with parchment paper and bake it at 300 degrees for 10-15 minutes (depending on thickness.) This method is great for reserving the bacon grease and for cooking your bacon uniformly - but lately I’ve gone back to pan-frying bacon. It just saves time when I’m adding it to something else. Bacon is the product that started it all, but that doesn’t mean people don’t abuse the gift from that “wonderful, magical animal” that provides us with pork chops, ham, and bacon.

THE BAD:

CANNED TACTICAL BACON.

(IMG SRC = THINK GEEK)

Available at Think Geek: http://www.thinkgeek.com/caffeine/wacky-edibles/c399/

I don’t really need to go over all the things that are awful about this concept - so allow me to point out one giant flaw in this marketing premise: BACON IS ALREADY DESIGNED TO LAST A LONG TIME. SALTING AND SMOKING IS HOW THEY PRESERVED MEAT BEFORE REFRIGERATION.

If you want a more detailed description of just how awful this particular branch of the bacon tree is - check out this old AV Club review: http://www.avclub.com/

THE GOOD:

BACON MAPLE DONUT

(IMG SRC: WIKIPEDIA)

The big daddy of the Bacon Donut is Voodoo Donuts: http://www.voodoodoughnut.com/

Or you could look for one 'em in NYC

Have you ever eaten Chicken and Waffles? This is the same concept. Sugar, Carbs, Fat, Salt, and Meat. It’s everything delicious ever. I really don’t have to say much more. It’s using Bacon the way it’s meant to be used.

I promise the next one of these will be the last...

THE BACON CONUNDRUM: APPENDIX A

[Witty intro #7 not found]

Most of the flavor people recognize in bacon is a combination of fat, salt, and smoke. When I’ve had to impart a vegetarian dish with a bacon flavor I’ve used Chipotle in Adobo. This comes in particularly handy because it adds a bit of spice, a texture that approximates cooked bacon fat, salt, and smoky flavor (Chipotle is smoked Jalapenos)  Of course not everyone likes the extra spice, so there are plenty of other things you can use to approximate Bacon without using odd little processed foods.

I - Salt

Load whatever you’re making with salt. It’s really that simple. Kosher salt works pretty well, but really use whatever you’d like - knock yourself out.

II - Fat
Try an Olive Oil/ Truffle Oil blend - you’ll get a healthy fat with a bit of earthy tones reminiscent of bacon fat.

II - Smoke

Smoking indoors can be quite a bother. If you’ve got a range with a fan that vents outdoors or a grill of your own you can do your own ‘hot smoke’ to get you on your way to your own bacon substitute.

Some simple smoking guides are available at websites like allrecipes.com, but doing it yourself is pretty simple. You see it all the time on shows like Iron Chef America.

Basically,
Take a pot with a lid,
Place your woodchips down the bottom,
Put a rack over that,
On the rack place whatever you’d like to smoke, (Eggplant, Carrots, Tofu, Bell Peppers, Poblano Peppers, and New Mexico Chilies all work quite well, or if you‘d like to make your own natural version of liquid smoke try using olive oil or butter placed in a ceramic bowl on the rack.)
Put the pot on a low heat burner
Put the lid on the pot
Keep an eye on the pot, occasionally swirling it around.
Smoke the veggies for about a half an hour to an hour. *
Experiment this so you can get whatever sort of texture you’d like.
* if you do this next to your mom’s set of fancy kitchen drapes you will never get the smell of smoke out.

So, in short: if you’d like your own vegan bacon just coat some veggies in an olive oil/truffle oil blend, sprinkle ‘em with kosher salt, and smoke ‘em.

If you want bacon flavored popcorn, smoke some oil using the process I just described, and use it to cook your popcorn.

Vegan Bacon Mayonnaise? Take a vegan mayo recipe and smoke the oil and add a little extra salt.

THE BACON CONUNDRUM: PART II

Bacon Mania has its own Wikipedia article.

Seriously. Check it out: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bacon_mania

There you can find pictures and descriptions of chocolate covered bacon, bacon topped doughnuts, chicken fried bacon, all the classics drooled over by sweaty mouth breathers the world round. Of course this sort of thing isn’t really my main bone of contention, but rather the kind of gimmicky stuff on sale over at Think Geek and at party centers ‘round the world. My last entry about the Internet’s love of bacon covered my main gripes about Baconnaise, and show off a little bit of my love for Pancetta, but this time around I want to provide for you all, in an enumerated list, all the reasons why these products are pointless - and what you should spend your time ordering off the internet if you really do enjoy a good slice of bacon.

THE BAD:

BACON POPCORN


Available at: http://www.thinkgeek.com/caffeine/wacky-edibles/cf26/

There are some key points I’m going to address real quick

1. The particular brand of Popcorn sold at Think Geek is microwave popcorn:

Me personally, I hate the smell of microwave popcorn, I’m pretty sure that’s enough… but I’m pretty sure the people who got cancer from working with all the artificial chemicals in microwave popcorn agree with me. (also, if you accuse me of hyperbole then I’m pretty sure you’re worse than Hitler)

2.  Again - no real bacon: What’s the point of Bacon Mania if you’re not having bacon?

3. Keeping that in mind, it’s an inferior knock-off of stuff you can get at plenty of high quality establishments:

One example here in Brooklyn: This particular Gastopub/Theater
Now, try Googling Bacon Popcorn + your home town and see what you come up with.

4. Not only can you get the real stuff, It’s a whole lot cheaper to make yourself:

If you order the stuff from Think Geek, you get 3 bags for $4.99. With the addition of Shipping and Handling that comes out to $10.38.

Here in Brooklyn ( not the cheapest area to buy food, mind you) a pound of bacon sets you back anywhere from $3 to $5, while un-popped popcorn costs about $2.50 for a 28oz. Bag. So if you plan it right you can make a whole bunch more popcorn using rendered bacon grease for about half the price of 3 bags of microwave popcorn.

So if that’s not enough reason, say maybe you want to give it as a gag gift:

My response to that is: it’s a shitty overpriced gag gift and you’re a terrible friend, and I don’t see why we hang out anymore.


THE GOOD:

RASHERS (IRISH BACON)


Available at: http://www.tommymoloneys.com/store/bacon-pork-products

If Pancetta is the Ferrari of Bacon, than Rashers are the … wait does Ireland make any cars? I was going to say “Aston Martin” but that’s an English car and I’m pretty sure that’s culturally insensitive. Anyway, I think Rashers are better than Pancetta - and that’s what I told a certain chef-de-cuisine in that conversation I was telling you about the other day. Right before I punched him in the face, pounded down a pint of Guinness, ate a raw potato, and blew up a London bus stop. (oh, ethnic stereotypes are fun!)

Rashers are a kind of Back Bacon - made from the loin of the pig (Think of it as the Bacon equivalent of Filet Mignon) with a strip of fat left on. This makes a Bacon that has a decent amount of fat for that same chewy quality you expect from regular American Bacon  but with a solid amount of meat. It’s fairly similar to what we call “Canadian Bacon” - except that Rashers have fat, and Canadian Bacon isn’t from Canada… and apparently they take that really seriously up there, or so I heard.

The Irish thing to do with Rashers is to either lay them out as part of a Full Irish Breakfast, or to stack a few of ‘em on a roll to make a “Bap” - which makes a great ‘on the go’ breakfast sandwich.

To be continued…

THE BACON CONUNDRUM: PART I

This obsession with bacon needs to stop.

There is no need for Tactical Canned Bacon, Bacon Mints, Chocolate Dipped Bacon,  Bacon Floss, Baconnaise, and so on and so on ad infinitum. The Internet’s obsession with bacon is beginning to border on being as obnoxious as Chuck Norris Jokes. That’s a shame, because bacon really is a quality product. Part of my problem is, there’s a wide spectrum of bacon in the world - it doesn’t deserve to be hawked as some cheap gimmick and party favor. I get why Chuck Norris needs his internet fame - he never learned to read and needs the paycheck to continue fighting against the evil evolutionists... but bacon never did anything bad to anyone. We need to understand it, not exploit it. Also, to reiterate, I’m sick of Chuck Norris jokes. But this is about bacon, if you wanted to read about my loathing for all things Chuck Norris you should check out my other blog at:

CHUCKNORRISISACOMPLETEPANSYANDONCETIMEIPUNCHEDHIMINTHEFACEANDHECRIEDLIKEALITTLEGIRLWHOLOSTHERMYLITTLEPONY.blogspot.com
(- editors note: that is not a real blog)

Right, about bacon:

what’s good, and what’s bad? Let’s take a look:


GOOD:



PANCHETTA

Source: Wikipedia

Panchetta is a kind of Belly Bacon, meaning it comes from, well, the belly of the pig.

Panchetta is, according to wikipedia, “A type of dry cured meat, similar to bacon. Salt cured, spiced, and dried for about three months.” I had a discussion once with the Chef de Cuisine at Victoria Gastropub in Columbia, MD about what kind of bacon was the best. He took the opinion that Panchetta was the Ferrari of meat. It’s Italian and everyone knows about it, so that’s one check for that particular metaphor.  Check two is that you can get a million uses out of it - Panchetta makes a delicious addition to Pizza, Eggs, as a topping for Broiled Oysters or Clams, and in Sauces ranging from simple cream sauces to traditional fare such as Pasta Carbonara.

BAD:



BACONNAISE

Source: Think Geek

Baconnaise is the big daddy of the internet bacon craze. It’s been on the Daily Show (they mocked it there, but you won’t hear that on the websites selling it) and on Oprah (I’m not sure what they said about it on Oprah, I imagine it came on to explain its feelings or some crap, I don’t watch Oprah, especially not while doing the laundry and I totally didn’t shed a tear or anything when I found out the upcoming season is the last like some giant wuss or something)

Here’s my beef with Baconnaise (PUN VERY MUCH INTENDED. I WILL DESTROY YOU. -Morbo) : So it doesn’t have bacon, they put that right on the bin. Brand honesty, right? Well if you’re looking to add smokey/salty flavor to your vegan/vegetarian dish, there’s no reason to add Baconnaise. It’s superfluous, anyone who’s seriously considering serving this to people would probably do better (and save a couple of bucks in the process) using Chipotle in Adobo, or - if they’re looking to avoid the (still pretty mild) spice - use smoked butter or olive oil. If you want actual bacon flavor - use actual bacon! As for Baconnaise... it’s schlocky… and its lame.

Also it tastes terrible and I was very disappointed. 

To be continued…