THE BACON CONUNDRUM: PART I

This obsession with bacon needs to stop.

There is no need for Tactical Canned Bacon, Bacon Mints, Chocolate Dipped Bacon,  Bacon Floss, Baconnaise, and so on and so on ad infinitum. The Internet’s obsession with bacon is beginning to border on being as obnoxious as Chuck Norris Jokes. That’s a shame, because bacon really is a quality product. Part of my problem is, there’s a wide spectrum of bacon in the world - it doesn’t deserve to be hawked as some cheap gimmick and party favor. I get why Chuck Norris needs his internet fame - he never learned to read and needs the paycheck to continue fighting against the evil evolutionists... but bacon never did anything bad to anyone. We need to understand it, not exploit it. Also, to reiterate, I’m sick of Chuck Norris jokes. But this is about bacon, if you wanted to read about my loathing for all things Chuck Norris you should check out my other blog at:

CHUCKNORRISISACOMPLETEPANSYANDONCETIMEIPUNCHEDHIMINTHEFACEANDHECRIEDLIKEALITTLEGIRLWHOLOSTHERMYLITTLEPONY.blogspot.com
(- editors note: that is not a real blog)

Right, about bacon:

what’s good, and what’s bad? Let’s take a look:


GOOD:



PANCHETTA

Source: Wikipedia

Panchetta is a kind of Belly Bacon, meaning it comes from, well, the belly of the pig.

Panchetta is, according to wikipedia, “A type of dry cured meat, similar to bacon. Salt cured, spiced, and dried for about three months.” I had a discussion once with the Chef de Cuisine at Victoria Gastropub in Columbia, MD about what kind of bacon was the best. He took the opinion that Panchetta was the Ferrari of meat. It’s Italian and everyone knows about it, so that’s one check for that particular metaphor.  Check two is that you can get a million uses out of it - Panchetta makes a delicious addition to Pizza, Eggs, as a topping for Broiled Oysters or Clams, and in Sauces ranging from simple cream sauces to traditional fare such as Pasta Carbonara.

BAD:



BACONNAISE

Source: Think Geek

Baconnaise is the big daddy of the internet bacon craze. It’s been on the Daily Show (they mocked it there, but you won’t hear that on the websites selling it) and on Oprah (I’m not sure what they said about it on Oprah, I imagine it came on to explain its feelings or some crap, I don’t watch Oprah, especially not while doing the laundry and I totally didn’t shed a tear or anything when I found out the upcoming season is the last like some giant wuss or something)

Here’s my beef with Baconnaise (PUN VERY MUCH INTENDED. I WILL DESTROY YOU. -Morbo) : So it doesn’t have bacon, they put that right on the bin. Brand honesty, right? Well if you’re looking to add smokey/salty flavor to your vegan/vegetarian dish, there’s no reason to add Baconnaise. It’s superfluous, anyone who’s seriously considering serving this to people would probably do better (and save a couple of bucks in the process) using Chipotle in Adobo, or - if they’re looking to avoid the (still pretty mild) spice - use smoked butter or olive oil. If you want actual bacon flavor - use actual bacon! As for Baconnaise... it’s schlocky… and its lame.

Also it tastes terrible and I was very disappointed. 

To be continued…