Things I WISH I had learned in Culinary School

This is going to be a little free-form writing exercise to get myself back in the habit of, you know, being a contributing member of society. But since I have the free time and the internet connection- I thought I might muse a bit on a few points I really *really* wish had been made more abundantly clear to me before I had started this whole thing.

1. The hot chick in my high-school german class who sat across the room who said she was into cooking didn't really mean "hey, if you're a chef you can get into my pants"

That is totally more my fault than anything, and I really *really* should've put less focus on how lonely I was and more on like, what I'm actually good at.

But I AM good at cooking, so there's that - and okay, there is definitely a whole lot of bonin' going on in the industry, but I spend so much time between work and side projects that I really never had time to take part in it, plus it is *ALWAYS* awkward to have to deal with people who are screwing at work. Just saying that.

2. Working with different chefs is a lot more like dating than it should be.

Seriously, and when the Chef I'm working for is a lady it adds a whole new sort of sub-dom sexy dynamic that invariably pops up in my head and totally works against me. I am just a shitty person like that.

But regardless of gender you can pretty much break down every chef i've worked with into similar genres of ex-girlfriends.

- That one where you were kind of doing it but really had no idea and everything was stupid. 

- The first serious one that taught you a whole lot and it ended weird but you still kind of remember it fondly even though you were a young idiot and screwed everything up.

- Bad rebound.

- The one that got away, that you like learned tons from and like things from and just like connected with man, and then she freakin' moved to Chicago and you're like "you'll still call me, right baby?"

- The one that you knew wasn't a great idea, but you're like "I can make this work" and you stick with them for way, way, way too long and they dump you anyway.

- That like, weird open phase where you've got a few things going on but they all sort of all know you're not committed to any of them.

- The one that keeps farting on you.

LETS MAKE SOME MOTHERFUCKING CHILE RELLENOS.

LETS MAKE SOME MOTHERFUCKING CHILE RELLENOS.

TAKE A POBLANO PEPPER. OR AN ANAHEIM CHILI, INFACT - TAKE THE ANAHEIM CHILI BECAUSE ONLY DOUCHEBAGS WHO WATCH BOBBY FLAY STILL EAT POBLANOS. CUT A SLIT IN THE SIDE. PICK ALL THE SEEDS AND SHIT OUT. GRILL THAT SHIT TIL THE OUTSIDE IS ALL BLACK. PEEL THAT BLACK SHIT OFF. TAKE SOME OAXACA CHEESE. ITS MEXICAN STRING CHEESE. OAXACA IS A FUN WORD TO SAY. OAXACA OAXACA OAXACA. STUFF THAT SHIT INSIDE THE PEPPER. MIX ABOUT A CUP OF FLOUR WITH SOME SALT, NOT TOO MUCH - DICK, BE REASONABLE ABOUT IT. WHIP UP SOME EGGS UNTIL THEY'RE FLUFFY. DON'T DO THIS IN FRONT OF A BUNCH OF GUYS 'CAUSE IT'S GONNA LOOK LIKE YOU'RE JERKING OFF. THEY WILL MAKE FUN OF YOU. POKE A TOOTHPICK THROUGH THE PEPPER TO CLOSE THAT SHIT UP. TOSS THE SEALED-UP PEPPER IN THE FLOUR (DON'T ACTUALLY TOSS IT, DICK - YOU SET IT IN THE FLOUR, AND TAKE SOME OF THE FLOUR AND POUR IT ON TOP AND THEN SORT OF ROLL IT AROUND. IF YOU'RE ACTUALLY TOSSING IT YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE AND SHOULD QUIT COOKING.) THEN RUN THE FLOUR-COATED PEPPER THROUGH THE EGGS TO GET IT COATED. THEN FRY THAT SHIT. I USE A DEEP FRYER BUT YOU CAN JUST USE A POT FULL OF OIL. GET THAT SHIT CRISPY, SET IT ON SOME TOWELS TO DRY - I WOULD NOT SUGGEST USING THE SAME TOWEL YOU CLEAN YOUR DOG'S PEE UP WITH - UNLESS YOU'RE COOKING FOR YOUR EX. THEN DO THAT. ESPECIALLY IF SHE STOLE ALL YOUR CDS. OR DON'T, ACTUALLY, BECAUSE IT MESSES WITH THE INTEGRITY OF YOUR FOOD. ALSO: WHO KEEPS CDS? GET AN MP3 PLAYER, DICK.
ANYWAY, PUT THAT SHIT ON A PLATE WITH SOME BEANS AND RICE AND EAT THE FUCK OUT OF IT.

GRAND RE-OPENING!

How do you get back into doing something you've neglected for a while?

I like to just go ahead and tear off the metaphorical bandage.

(In the case of real bandages, I'm often meticulously slow as to avoid the potential for owies)

So- Check it out! Here I am writing things again.

Let's kick this off with a real quick recipe I learned on my Honeymoon in Latin America:

Baja California style Ceviche.

4oz. Fresh fish (Red Snapper, Tilapia, Sole - or any kind of white fish you like)
2 Large heirloom tomatoes - small dice
1 Med. onion - small dice
2 TBSP minced cilantro
1 Small serrano chile, brunoise
1 1/2 C. lime juice fresh.
1/2 C. lemon juice, fresh.
Sea salt - to taste.

Chop up the Fish real good like, toss in with the onion, tomato, cilantro, and chili. Cover with the lime & lemon juice, and let it sit for an hour.

Then eat it.

So there you go. I learned that at some point in the last... what is it? 2 years? Jesus, I suck at blogging.

Go read my Yelp! reviews, I've been better at keeping up with that.

Carrot Green Pesto! - Oh I don't know why.

You can totally eat top bit of the carrot! - you know, that green stuff that everyone swears you can’t eat because rabbits don’t eat them? Turns out rabbits aren’t especially discerning gourmands. Well... at least Google tells me you can eat them. I haven’t gotten sick yet, so it’s got to be at least partially true... right? 

Okay, so I’m not really endearing you to my cooking ability and reassuring you that I have any idea whatsoever about the subject I’m writing about - but I assure you that carrot greens make for a fantastic addition to a number of dishes. 

One of my favorite things to do to test out any new greany-leafy thing is see how well it works in a pesto. It’s a remarkable sauce that is quite easy to make and is a big hit at parties - or so I’m told. I do spend an awful lot of time in the kitchen. I like to imagine it’s a big hit at parties at least. I like it. that’s what really matters. 

Anyhoo, point is: You shouldn’t throw away your carrot greens - fresh greens make a rather fantastic pesto. 

Rotini in Carrot-Green & Parsley Pesto

• Olive Oil
• Parmesan Cheese
• Pine Nuts, or Almonds (finely chopped)
• Carrot Greens (roughly chopped)
• Parsley (roughly chopped)
• Salt & Pepper
• Rotini (cooked)

Hey, Notice I didn’t put any amounts in? That’s because this is something you can make to your own standards & tastes - you can make it thicker by using a higher greens to oil ratio, or vice versa. Besides, if you’re always using proper measurements you’re never going to develop a real flair for cooking. 

For the record, the thicker pesto is better for incorporating into pesto-cream sauce, the thinner better for heating up in a pan to quickly toss your pasta in.  

So we’re gonna make the thin stuff!

The process is the same either way, so let’s get to it:

Oh yeah, you’ll need a blender.

• Put a little bit of olive oil down the bottom of the blender.
• Take your greens and your parsley. Put them in that same blender.
• Add the cheese (or don’t - if you don’t eat cheese, you probably shouldn’t add it)
• Take the middle of the lid of the blender out, you need this bit open so you can add more oil.
• Start with a few pulses of the blender.
• Set the blender to a low setting, slowly drizzle olive oil in until everything flows smoothly.
• Pour the mixture out into a bowl.
• Fold in nuts
• add salt and pepper to taste.
• Heat the pesto up in a pan over low heat - just slightly
• Add the freshly cooked & drained pasta. Toss in pesto.

A couple of variants I’d like to touch on:

• I like to add lightly sauteed veggies, roasted garlic, & bacon to this mix.
• As I mentioned before - a slightly thicker pesto mixed with a cream sauce makes a great pesto cream sauce.
• You can totally add whatever herbs & spices to this mix to make it your own - Basil is the classic, of course - but I ran a special using Cilantro pesto once and everyone seemed to like it.

So there you go! Carrot Green Pesto. Enjoy!

Flatbush Farm Share: Week 1

So I Signed up for the Flatbush Farm Share - or, more accurately, Julie signed us up for it. We're getting our second shipment today but I wanted to write a little bit about what I did with the first week's delivery.

J says she always wanted to sign up for some sort of CSA, but wasn't confident enough in her cooking ability. With me in the house, she somehow found the confidence (or rather, confidence in my ability to figure something out)

So; last week comes around and I find myself with a couple of rather large bags full of vegetables. The run-down looked a little bit like this:

Field Green Mix
Boston Bibb Lettuce
Zucchini
Kale
Carrots w/ greens
Turnips w/ greens.
Parsley

It was a pretty interesting mix, at first I had no idea what to do with any of them, in fact: I haven't used all of it up yet.. but I've come up with some pretty interesting recipes out of the mix.  So far I've made a salad using the Turnip & Field Greens, Rotini tossed in a pesto made with the carrot greens, Beef & Chicken stew made with the Carrots and Turnips, and some rather decent dishes of sauteed Kale and Zucchini to go with a giant pot of Jalapeno Mac & Cheese. I'll be posting the recipes written up properly in the next couple of days, and give you guys some updates on the new shipment - which I'm finding myself increasingly excited about.

Anyway, to hold you over: here are some turnips. 

Tacos! (In Case You're Wondering, I Made Them Today)

So, I've been following food carts of late. Specifically I've been eating at just about every hispanic/latin-american taco truck I see. I've taken my time observing what goes into the food they serve and I've been trying to apply it to the "Mexican" food I make.

Today I faced a sort of conundrum. One I'm sure most people have run into. I was hungry, I didn't have much in the house, and I was tired - and I didn't want to put too much effort into anything. So, I said to myself: what better for quick food than food cart food?

So, here's what I made:

Really Quick Taco Recipe:

Ingredients:
Corn Tortillas
Ground Beef
Chili Powder
Cumin
Salt
Pepper
Onion (Small Dice or Brunoise)
Cilantro (You can rough chop it, I chose to go with a Chiffonade)
Lemon, cut into wedges.
Hot Sauce.
Queso de Papa (Shredded) 
Olive Oil.

I cooked this entire meal on a griddle.
(Just so you know)

Step I: Heat up the pan with a little bit of olive oil.

Step II: Sweat the onions.

Step III: Add the Cumin, Chili Pepper, and Pepper.

Step IV: Add the Ground Beef.

Step V: Turn with wooden spoon or spatula, cook to well done.

Step VI: Remove the beef mixture.

Step VII: Quickly heat up the corn tortillas on the griddle. (both sides)

Step VIII: Lay the tortillas out, top with a bit of the ground beef, then add the onion, cilantro, hot sauce, lemon juice, and cheese.

Step IX: CONSUME.

So... there you go, that's what I did today.

Pop Ups; or: Industry Buzz Words Abound!

I was going to try to write something, but you know - after watching Top Iron Chopped Chef the other night and hearing all these buzzwords about pop-up restaurants, I got bored and decided to come up with some of my own, here's a short menu for one, let me know if you'd eat at it:

B's Burgers

(or Burger Joint Concept #1) 

SANDWICHES:  

THE BRATTY

Bratwurst in burger-form. Seared on our flat top and served on a hard roll with dijon mustard. 

THE LAMBURGER

Lamb shoulder ground into a delicious patty - seasoned and seared on our flat top and served on fresh foccacia with lettuce, onion, tomato, and tzaziki. 

THE NUMBER 1

Classic hamburger, served on a potato roll with Irish cheddar, lettuce, tomato, onion, and mayo. 

THE GRILL

Chicken. Marinated in olive oil, lemon, rosemary, and sea salt. Seared and served on a potato roll with lettuce, tomato, and mayo. 

THE FRYER

Chicken - again. Brined overnight, breaded, and fried. Served on a buttered hard roll with house-made dill pickles.   

THE PORK SANDWICH

Pork - for a change. Marinated in a blend of spices, seared on our flat-top and served straight up on a hard roll. 

THE BAP

Back Bacon on a buttered, toasted potato roll. 

NOT SANDWICHES:

ICEBERG WEDGE

Iceberg (as evidenced by the name of this entry) sliced in a vaguely-wedge shaped... wedge, and topped with cheddar cheese, back bacon, and ranch dressing.

ARUGULA AND GOAT CHEESE

Arugula, tossed in lemon juice, served with goat cheese and candied pecans. 

GIANT CHUNKS OF CHICKEN

Chicken Nuggets, coated in panko bread crumbs, fried to a crispy golden brown, and served with Thai chili sauce and Garlic Aioli. 

THE WHOLE FILLET

Fillet of fish, battered and fried. Served with classic remoulade. 

SIDES:

BAY FRIES

Thick cut house-made french fries.

SWEET CORN FRITTERS

We take delicious corn, batter it, and deep fry it.

HOUSE SALAD

Field greens tossed in citrus vinaigrette. 

THE SAUCES:

House BBQ, Honey Mustard, Remoulade, Garlic Aioli, Thai Chili, and Tzaziki.

BURGER GUIDELINES.

Hamburgers! Hamburgers hamburgers hamburgers. If you find yourself ever in the city of Hamburg, remember that the Hamburger Sparkasse does not sell food. It is a bank. Why would they sell hamburgers in a bank? That’s crazy talk.

I wish I had something more practical to say, but honestly the topic has been done to death. What input could I honestly have? Well I’ve been thinking about what goes into a good ‘burger quite a bit recently. The “Steakhouse” I until recently worked in moves mostly half-pound burgers, instead of the $45 steaks, and it was tied at the hip to a “fast casual” (ooh! Restaurant industry buzz word!) burger joint designed by a certain talked-about meat purveyour in the New York/ New Jersey area.

They put pork roll on the burger. They sliced it too thin. That was a disappointment. The burger itself was good, though. I started to eat there regularly, but wound up just getting the burgers with American Cheese, Lettuce, Tomato, Onion, and Mayonnaise. I had a discussion at one point with the guy who ran the joint day to day about the bread they used. Potato bread makes a good burger bun in my opinion, they toasted theirs - but without butter. For the life of me I can’t understand why you wouldn’t put butter on a hamburger bun.

This one time, I made a hamburger at work: 8 oz. patty, cooked medium, on a garlic-buttered, toasted brioche roll with 4 cheeses - pepper jack cheese, cheddar cheese, swiss, and blue cheese dressing.  I topped it with lettuce, tomato, and onion. It was delicious.

Anyway; Since I’m so awesome, I figured I’m qualified to go off on what makes a good burger:

You want a solid, but not too dense bun.

Brioche and Challah are what you’ll find in a lot of burger places nowadays, the sweetness pairs decently with the savory burgers. Sourdough or Rye slices are good if you’re just using slices (for a patty melt or what have you) Ciabatta or Portugese Rolls I’ve found tend to be too dense and chewy to pair well with the burger. For small burgers or sliders, go with the potato roll.

Also, Butter the roll and toast it. In a toaster oven, or the regular oven... (the butter would … you know… probably drip into your vertical toaster… but you probably kind of figured that.)

GET SOME DECENT MEAT. Skip the frozen patties. FOR SOME REASON EVERYONE IN NEW YORK CAN'T SHUT UP ABOUT PAT LAFREIDA, THERE ARE OTHER BURGERS IN THIS WORLD. JUST GET SOME DECENT MEAT.
Try the Farmer's Market.

Salt the burger before you cook it - this is important.

Cook your burger to medium / medium-rare.
Here’s how you tell without cutting:

With one hand take your middle finger and thumb and press them together.
Using your index finger from your other hand, poke the muscle connecting your thumb to your wrist.
This is how a medium-cooked piece of meat feels!
 If you move your thumb to your index finger, that’s medium-rare.
Move it to your ring or pinky, that’s medium-well and well.
Remove your thumb from your fingers and that’s rare!
I was super excited to write that! (could you tell?)

Honestly, though - if you eat a burger cooked more than, oh say, medium - you should be very, very ashamed of yourself.

Melt your cheese:

Think about what toppings you’re going to put on. Does your cheese go with them? Do you have mustard and pickles? Skip the blueberry stilton. … etc. etc. you get where I’m going with this.

Choose your toppings wisely:

Well, not really - have fun and experiment, but overloading can take the joy out of eating the burger, especially with smaller patties. The more substantive the burger the better to pair with loads of crazy excess, but seriously: eat a vegetable people. Veggies are good on top of burgers, grilled onions - lettuce - tomato - coleslaw - all delicious!

There you go. I've seen so much written on hamburgers lately that I can't bother with anything else anymore.

Also! Hi! I'm going to start posting on this thing again! thanks for reading.

Eataly Review

So… Eataly. We meet at last.

Hey, the sorbet was good. That counts right? I suppose it pretty much has to - since that was the only thing I actually bothered to eat there. In all fairness, I didn’t expect to wander into the place when the evening started, I just sort of stumbled across it while walking home from a grad school info session. It took me a second or … fifteen… to realize what it was I saw in the periphery of my vision before it clicked and I realized “Hey, that’s that Italian super grocery store jazz whatever hooplah all the foodies are abuzz about at the moment… or a month ago… or whenever it was.” Anyway, since I apparently don’t care that Mario Batali screws over his wait staff, I decided to hop in and give it a try. “This is my chance to get on the ground floor of the Culinary Advant-Garde” I thought.

Being a responsible adult human male who totally remembers to put the toilet seat down and opens doors for ladies and totally never whacked his girlfriend in the back of the head with a wii remote twice I thought “I’ll be responsible and limit myself to five dollars… pick up a couple of tiny samples and be on my way.”

Well… Unlike the Advant-Garde film, which you can see for free because nobody wants to watch a lesbian mow her lawn backwards for two hours, being on the cutting edge of the culinary scene is a bit on the expensive side. Individual chocolate truffles for $35 per pound and $40 sticks of salami (oh baby, mine isn’t that expensive - wink wink nudge nudge say no more) - well they sort of priced me out pretty quick. I keep forgetting that food is expensive in New York because, well, I don’t think anything I cook at work is all that fantastic - never mind that it’s $40 on the menu, to me it’s not any more spectacular than something I threw together using $8 worth of Ingredients from the Met.

Of course, It’s not like I walked into Eataly expecting deep discounts - the online reviews I had read prior to my adventure prepared me for that - plus it’s on 23rd street in Manhattan - that would be pricey even if a celebrity chef hadn’t tagged his name onto it.

An other problem I had with the place was its layout. 

It’s designed to be a slow casual experience designed to get you to respect your ingredients and take your time yada yada yada blah blah blah. At the same time it falls into that grocery store trope of arranging all the items in such a way that you HAVE to walk past the impulse items. Then it’s got some old Italian town market crap going on. It doesn’t really work… and It’s set up in such a way that half the time I wasn’t sure if I was in an aisle or had somehow wound up behind the counter. Honestly I fully suspect that at least half of the workforce are tourists who’ve found themselves very very lost.

Now even with all that, I wouldn’t exactly say that there was a dizzying array of foodstuffs. Now what there was looked good, but the dried pastas were pretty much the same I could get at The Met, and pouring $6 per pound for pasta scraps seemed a bit much for me (Try the pasta, it’s got a real nice profit margin - Master Chef Elzar, Futurama) The Wine & Beer selection wasn’t that impressive. It’s easier for me to find a nice Italian wine in the shop down the street on Grand Avenue. It’s as simple as that.

Long story short though: I tried the Sorbet.

The Amaretto-Apricot sorbet, to be specific… and it was REALLY good. Light and Creamy with little crunchy bits and a flavor that lasted with me on the whole train ride home. The only better frozen dessert I’ve had was Mango Ice Cream from a random back-alley stand in the Netherlands once (there may have been mitigating factors that made that the best ice cream ever, but I digress)

I kept trying to find a way to rationalize it, and say “Well, it’s good - but was it really worth $5?” but the texture was just perfect. The flavor definite, but not to the point of being overwhelming. It was perfectly balanced and fantastic. I couldn’t stand it. It was too good for a place that felt like an upscale Costco to me. The best I could think was “Maybe not Five Dollars, more like 3 Euros.” but that’s the EXACT SAME PRICE.

So it was really good. But am I excited to go back? Am I going to take out-of-town friends to visit the place? Will I frequent the place with my in-town friends? In my opinion, I’ll always be more excited about the Amish Market in Laurel, Maryland or Samantha’s Southern Cuisine in Clinton Hill. So the answer to your (okay, my) questions in the order asked are: Not really, No, and Probably Not.

RANDOM STREETCART REVIEW I

So I haven’t been anywhere really fancy recently. 

I’ve been to work. It’s relatively fancy, sure, but I haven’t had a chance to sit and enjoy the ambiance and savor the food. What I’ve eaten there has been scarfed down hurredly before the next wave of orders hits. Nope, as for me - I’m a workin’ man, ain’t got no time to do no fancy reviews of no high falutin’ places these days.

So here’s a review of the Food Cart in Court Square on Jackson Ave. between the G/E station and the 7 Station:

First off, the location is pretty stellar. They’ve parked themselves right along the sidewalk connecting the two stations, and anyone who’s commuting from Brooklyn to Queens on the G train who doesn’t want to take the grand tour through manhattan pretty much has to stop there. So for location I give them an A+

As for food, they’ve got some cooked food - pretty standard hallal/kosher/no-pork whatever stuff. Trkey bacon and sausage, eggs, blah blah blah. What really calls to you when you walk by is the baked goods arranged in the glass display case in the front. They’re right out there, you can grab some and be on your way in less than 30 seconds. If you’re stopping at a stand like this on your way to work - it’s the baked goods you’re looking for.

The Doughnuts are a little misshapen, at least the one I tried was, but it was a good 50% bigger than your average Dunkin’ Donuts faire. It was more in that style, as opposed to say a Krispie Kreme type doughnut. They did it pretty decently, and honestly it works in a pinch.

The glazed doughnuts are pretty good as well, they have them in both traditional rings and larger cigars. If you’re really hungry go for the Cigar, It’s an amazing size for the dollar.

In terms of other baked goods, they have a variety of croissants, bagels, and the like. The Chocolate Croissant is filled with a semi-sweet chocolate and it too is pretty decent. My favorite to this point, though, has got to be the Pistachio Chocolate Cigar. Like a croissant, but stretched out, filled with pistachio, and drizzled with chocolate.

Yum.

So there it is, and that’s my update for the moment: a review of a food cart. If you’re ever there stop by and grab something.

Work Work Work

Started work yesterday. Seems fun. Simple food, moderate to fast paced. Not a lot of down time (not that I noticed yesterday, anyway.)

Also: long commute, work on the A/C tracks and G train shuts down after 10:30 so I had to go into Manhattan to get home, and that was pretty much a catastrophe.

Anyway, that's why I didn't update with anything yesterday.
I may drop my updates down to 3x per week, or create more of a backlog of articles to post on my days off, but for right now... I'm off to work!

Follow-Up From Yesterday

I spent all night reading Hacked IRL and Chowhound. In retrospect I probably could've done something more productive - but that would've involved an ounce of initiative.

Anyway, here's how you make grits:

Ingredients:
Grits
Water
Salt

The Process:
Take a big ol' sauce pot. put a whole bunch of water in it.
Bring that water to a boil over high heat. Put some salt in it.
Whisk in about 1/3 to 1/2 as much grits as there is water into the mix.
Reduce the heat to medium-low, Simmer for 20 minutes - or until the water is absorbed and the grits are smooth. (you may have to add extra water)
Serve.

If you want to mix in cheese, butter or anything in that same vein, do it once the grits are done boiling.

Now that you know how to make Grits, take that Fish Recipe I showed you folks the other night and make yourself some Fish & Grits.

This is One Way to Fry Fish.

I may have mentioned this before:

Just about everywhere I’ve worked has had some sort of major equipment or supply shortage for one reason or another. Learning how to deal with this is probably the most useful thing I got out of learning how to cook at Baltimore International College. With the exception of the showroom kitchens - which had fancy looking equipment, but far too many students to offer all students a chance to learn how to use them - most of the kitchens I studied in while I was attending BIC included rows of metal tables with countless duplicates of the stove from your first apartment in between. This meant we had to improvise a fair amount of the time - Instead of a temperature controlled deep fryer, when we had to fry something we would just fill a Brazier (note: do not confuse with Brassiere, please. Think of the children.) with vegetable oil - turn on the heat - and either flick some water into it, or stick a wooden spoon handle-down into the grease to see when it was ready. Forget Blenders - we made Hollandaise the OLD FASHIONED way - aka the way you NEVER make it in a restaurant unless you want to be bounced out the door. Part of me still thinks “Holland-aise” should be mayo with weed in it - do you see what I did there?

… anyway, This has helped me do a bit of home cooking from time to time. Fried Fish or Fried Chicken is a whole heck of a lot easier to make with by just placing a generous layer of oil down the bottom of a wok and frying it that way, rather than using a snazzy contraption you just bought out of sky mall.

So, I’m gonna walk you through my favorite recipe for Fried Fish - but the breading method I’m about to mention can be used to bread just about anything.

In the case of this recipe I’m not giving specific amounts. The general rule is to make sure you have enough of each ingredient to cover whatever you’re battering - and to avoid clumps of batter in the individual ingredients.

Pan-Fried Tilapia

Ingredients:
Tilapia Filets
Flour
Eggs
Panko Bread Crumbs
Salt, Pepper, Spices.


The Process: 
Prep:
1. Arrange the thawed Tilapia on a plate or in a shallow vessel of some sort. Pat dry with a paper towel.
2. Pour a generous amount of Flour into a flat, shallow vessel such as a cake pan or hotel pan.
3. Add the Salt, Pepper, and Spices to the Flour.
4. Do the same with the Bread Crumbs.
5. Crack a few eggs into a bowl and whisk them together. Pour the eggs into a Cake Pan or Hotel Pan.
6. Arrange the Ingredients as Such on the counter:
    Tilapia - Flour - Eggs - Breadcrumbs
7. Place an other empty vessel at the end to hold the battered fish.
    Tilapia - Flour - Eggs - Breadcrumbs - Breaded Tilapia
8. Take a piece of Tilapia with one hand. Place it in the Flour.
9. Using that same hand, pile some flour (covering the Tilapia) on top of the Tilapia. Pat gently.
10. Pick up the Tilapia - with the same hand - and gently shake off the excess flour.
11. Place the Tilapia in the Egg Mixture. Pick Up, Flip Over. Shake off excess egg mixture.
12. Using your OTHER hand, place the Tilapia in the Bread Crumbs. Pile the breadcrumbs on top (covering the Tilapia) and pat down in a fashion similar to what you did with the flour.
13. Pick up, place in the empty vessel.
14. Repeat until you have breaded all of the Tilapia.

Cooking:
15. Fill the Wok or Frying Pan about 1/3 to 1/2 full with Vegetable Oil, Corn Oil, Peanut Oil, or Soy Oil (or any combination thereof)
16. Turn on the Heat to Medium / Medium-High.
17. When you stick a wooden spoon into the oil and bubbles come up rapidly, your grease is ready.
(alternatively, you can drop a small amount of batter  - or flick a very very small (like, 1 or 2 droplets) amount of water into the grease to see if its ready. If it sizzles, it is.)

18. Gently place the Breaded Tilapia Filet in the Heated Grease. Use a metal ladle to ladle some hot grease on top of the Tilapia if it is not completely submerged. If necessary, flip after a few minutes.

19. Cook until the coating turns golden brown. In a fish this thin it really shouldn’t take more than 5 minutes.

20. Remove from Oil, Place on a paper-towel lined plate to drain excess oil.

21. Plate & Serve.

22. CONSUME.

So, I Spent All Day Watching Star Trek...

Romulan Ale Recipe:

2 Shots Bacardi 151
2 Shots Everclear
2 Shots Blue Curacao.

Or:

2 Cups Blue Curacao
1 Cup Clear Rum
1/2 Cup Grain Alcohol
1/2 Cup Viso Will

Or: 

1 Oz. Blue Curacao
2 Oz. Vodka

Ice Filled Glass,
Seltzer
Splash of Lemon Lime Soda
Blueberries (garnish)

There are a few things that bug me about these drink recipes. The primary thing is that none of them are actually ALE. So prepare for NERDRAGE INFODUMP.

There are Cocktails in Star Trek. The "Warp Core Breach" or the "Samarian Sunset" are examples. While these mixed drinks are fine examples of cocktails, It is not an ALE and you fail booze forever.

Okay, so that's not really the NERDRAGE INFODUMP I promised, but I am literally so ANGRY WITH RAGE that I can't think of anything else to write. No recipes today. 

Although I wonder if you could make a 'blue' beer by mixing Crystalweizen with Blue Curacao?

I guess we'll never know.

I Never Got Why Cheesecake is a Slang Term for Semi-Naked Ladies.

Happy Labor Day! This recipe has nothing to do with Labor Day, Summer, or Fall! 

Grand Marnier Cheesecake.

Ingredients:
3 LBS Cream Cheese
1 LB White Sugar
8 Whole Eggs
2 Oz Grand Marnier
1 TBSP Lemon Zest
½ CUPS Butter, Melted
2 CUPS Graham Cracker Crumbs

The Process:
1. Mix the Graham Cracker Crumbs and the Butter Together.
2. Press into the bottom of a Round Cake Pan or a Springform Cake Pan.
3. Let the Crust set up for several hours in a refrigerator.
4. Using an Electric Mixer, cream together the Sugar, Zest, and the Cream Cheese.
5. Set the Electric Mixer to Slow. Add the eggs, 1 by 1 to the mix.
6. Stop the Mixer, Scrape the sides using a rubber spatula.
7. Resume Mixing for an other minute. Add the Grand Marnier.
8. Scrape, Repeat as necessary until thoroughly mixed.
9. Add the Cream Cheese Mix to the Graham Cracker Crust
10. Bake at 200 Degrees for an hour, or until the edges of the Cheesecake turn golden-brown, but the center is still white.
11. Chill overnight.
12. Devour.
Alternatively, you can set the cheesecake in a water bath. This will require a longer cooking time, but will help you avoid cracks on top.

Cheesecake is a Baked Custard, a lot like Crème Brulee.

I made this cake as a dessert special once upon a time… I spent a fair amount of time initially trying to get it right. Toying with a cheesecake recipe is a bother - because if you don’t cook it long enough then it doesn’t set up when you chill it, and you basically get a big pile of goop when you try to cut it. Also mixing it can be a pain, you really need to make sure to scrape the sides and don’t rely solely on the mixer. I have seriously messed up on this - my own recipe that I created - several times.

It’s been one of my favorite recipes to make a simple dessert that lots of people are guaranteed to love. It’s especially good for Holidays or Birthdays. I’ve topped it with glazed strawberries, blueberries, and kiwi to make a sort of fruit-tart, powdered sugar, fruit, and chocolate (shavings or ganache) also make decent toppings. I’ve also coated it with sugar and bruleed the top. This recipe works pretty well if you cut out the Grand Marnier and the Lemon Zest as well.

On the topic of Cheesecake:

I could spend a fair amount of time harping on The Cheesecake Factory - and how it’s what soccer moms think is upscale, and how cheesecake has sort of become an example of that in general, and I would be completely 100% right about that. But to be honest there’s not a lot to be said about those sort of chains - and the food they've watered down and mass marketed - that hasn’t already been covered in greater depth and more insight somewhere else. I don’t like them, I don’t think there’s a reason for me to give them any coverage. Also one time they served me a Kobe Burger with Mushrooms but no Cheese. When I asked for cheese they just brought me out a cold slice and were like “here” and I was like “WTF?” But it’s basically Uncle Moe’s Family Feedbag, and I think I’ve made my point sufficiently.

I haven’t got much of a story to go with this recipe, in the end. A girl I really liked once really liked this cheesecake when I gave her a piece. She decided to date some other jerk instead. I don’t really care about that story except as a way to show how much of a winy emo kid I was way back when… But this is one of those desserts that the ladies love. Seriously. I’ve gotten plenty of comments on it. Julie even likes it - and she’s really adamant about not liking cheesecake in most other situations.  Especially the Cheesecake Factory.

I think that’s basically the main thrust of my argument here: I’m better at Cheesecake than the Cheesecake Factory.

In Theory.

I've had a thought inspired by this little number:


http://thedailywh.at/post/1071191227/kickass-comestible-of-the-day-the-full-english#disqus_thread

Indestructables.com Via The Daily What,
"Kickass Comestible of the Day: The Full English Breakfast Pizza — pizza dough, grated cheese, 1 tomato, 1 potato, 1 egg, 2 mushrooms, 2 sausages, 3 rashers of bacon, 5tbs. of baked beans, and 1/2 a small tin of tomato puree."

The comments range from "BARF" to "Wow, I actually thought that was puke for a split second."

Myself, honestly, think "It's a decent Idea, if poorly executed"

Here's how I'd go about it - Mind you this is only a theory:

Ingredients:
Pizza Crust
Rashers - Fully Cooked, Medium Dice
Breakfast Sausage - Fully Cooked, Small Dice
Baked Beans
Mushrooms - Sliced
Potato Coins (Boiled)
Tomato - Medium Dice
Cheddar Cheese
Egg
Olive Oil
Minced Chives and Parsley

The Process:
1. Toss the Pizza Dough to approximate a 14 inch Brooklyn Style Crust
2. Puree the Baked Beans along with whatever you choose to zazz them up a bit. (I find canned baked beans a bit dull)
3. Coat the Mushrooms and Tomatoes in Olive Oil and Herbs. Roast.
4. Par-cook the Pizza Dough.
5. Spread the Bean Puree on the Par-Cooked Dough.
6. Add the Roasted Mushrooms, Tomatoes, Bacon, and Sausage on top of the Bean Puree.
7. Top Generously with Grated Cheddar Cheese.
8. Crack the Egg over the Cheese.
9. Bake until Done.
10. Devour.



Now keep in mind, I haven't actually made this. But given the tools, I believe I could make this happen.


and it would be AWESOME. 




so in short, when I saw the original picture I thought "The only thing wrong with this is the whole beans and the poor excuse for crust" 

3 for 1 on Black Bean Chili

Slow-Cooked Black Bean Chili.

Ingredients:
1 LB Black Beans.
4 Fresh Tomatoes, Large Dice.
2 Medium Onions, Small Dice.
2 Jalapenos, Seeded and Diced.
1 Pint Tomato Puree.
2 Pints Beer.(or Water, if you're a communist)
3 TBSP Chili Powder
4 Cloves Garlic, Minced
Salt, Pepper to Taste.

The Process:
Part I
1. Wash the Black Beans. Soak overnight.

Part II
2. Drain the Black Beans.
3. Sweat the Onion, Minced Garlic, and Jalapenos in a sauce pot over medium-high heat.
3. Add the Black Beans, Tomato Puree, Onion, Beer, and Chili Powder to the Onion, Garlic, and Jalapenos.
4. Simmer for several hours on low-heat until reduced.
5. Check after the first hour to see if the beans have softened. Once they are softened to your liking, serve over boiled white rice. 

This is a recipe I make when I’m being really lazy. I like to pretend occasionally cooking vegan food like this is expanding my horizons, but in this case it’s honestly just a chance to make an easy meal using cheap ingredients.

In addition to that, most of the above measurements are just guidelines. Add more of anything to adjust to your own personal taste. Just make sure there's enough liquid to keep your chili from burning. 

Really it’s kind of funny how this has become a go-to recipe for me. The first time I had meatless chili as a child, I literally cried because there was no meat in the chili. How could you have chili without meat? It just didn’t seem right. Rightfully so my grandmother kicked my ass all the way up to my bedroom without dinner for being a right bastard about the whole no-meat thing. That’s not a particularly proud moment in my own early culinary development. Eventually I grew up (kind of) and looking back at my reaction to the concept of dinner without beef sort of reminds me that kid’s don’t know a damn thing about food.

There are some recipes that will recommend you make Chili with Tofu in it, I it’s a bad idea to mix tofu into the chili. The long cooking process and the strength of the spices in the chili tends to overwhelm the tofu and turn it into a mushy mess. This is disgusting, and it’s exactly what happens when you try to ‘replace’ meat instead of just plain’ ol not using it.

If you do want Tofu with this, I recommend taking a slice about ½ inch thick, and pan searing it in a little olive oil with Salt & Pepper. One of Extra Firm Tofu’s strengths (in my estimation) is how it’s texture is vaguely reminiscent of a Frittata or Tortilla Espanola. Therefore, consider as a brunch item, this set up:

Tofu Rancheros:

The Ingredients:
1 Cup Black Bean Chili
2 Slices (½ Inch Thick) Extra Firm Tofu, Pan Seared.
1 Cup Small Diced Potatoes, Boiled until tender, drained, and then Pan Fried in blended Olive and Truffle Oil.
1 Tortilla, Pan Fried in Olive Oil.
1 Sprig Cilantro
1 Wedge Lime
2 TBSP Pico de Gallo (Fresh Made)

The Process:
1. Fry the Tortilla, pat dry.
2. Place the Tortilla on your serving Plate.
3. Top the Tortilla with the Pan Fried Potatoes.
4. Pour the Chili on top of the Potatoes.
5. Rest the Pan Seared Tofu on top of the Chili.
6. Garnish with Cilantro, Lime, and Pico de Gallo.

So there you go. If you bother to make it, tell me what you think.

Oh, also for the record:

Pico de Gallo

Ingredients:
1 Small Diced Onion
2 Small Diced Tomatoes
1 Small Diced Jalapeno
2 Wedge Lime
2 TBSP Minced Cilantro

The Process:
1. Combined the Tomato, Jalapeno, Onion, and Cilantro.
2. Squeeze the Lime Wedges into the mixture.
3. Stir.
4. Consume. 

Three recipes in one today. Because I’m just that awesome.

CINNAMON TOAST AWESOME.

Oh Yeah, A Recipe!
Here you go! Also: Tomorrow is Vegan Brunch Day!

The Ingredients:
2 Slices White Bread
1 TBSP Butter, Melted
1 TBSP Sugar
1/2 TSP Cinnamon

The Process:
1. Toast the White Bread.
2. Brush the melted butter on the Toasted White Bread.
3. Mix together the Cinnamon and the Sugar
4. Sprinkle the Cinnamon and Sugar Mixture on the Buttered Toasted White Bread.
5. CONSUME

FOOD is on the INTERNET

Here's how you find decent recipes online:


Skip the egg advisory board

The absolute worst recipes I’ve seen posted on the internet are from websites like the South Carolina Department of Agriculture or the National Cattlemen’s Beef Association. They want you to use pre-made French onion soup packets and frozen pre mixed whatever crap. They’re designed for the overworked overburdened overmedicated housewife. If you want to respect the ingredients they’re trying to hawk, there are tons of better places to look.

On the plus side, these kind of websites tend to have pretty decent charts on cuts and the like. Study them if you’ve got the free time.

Wiki recipes is useless.

It’s disorganized. That’s my main gripe, the Wiki format as adopted by the recipes wiki just doesn’t cut it. The disorganization shows: where easy appetizer recipes range from mixing strawberries and yogurt for a ‘dip’ to using a pressure cooker (for those beginners out there remember this line from the simpsons: “How do I use the Pressure Cooker?” - “Don’t!”) In addition to that, a great deal of the recipes are retreads - either copied from celebrity cook books, the egg advisory council (see above) - basically, you spend a lot of time sifting through useless information to find something useful.

Which is sort of the opposite of Wikipedia - where you can click on one link and keep finding interesting links until your face melts off and your bones decay. It’s a shame, really, but skip the recipe wikis.


Use websites that have a consistent format.

I can’t stress how important that is in the whole “cooking edible food” process. Hopping between standards of measurement, having everything crunched together in one “process” paragraph, alternating between words to describe the same technique, yada, yada, yada… it all spells out one general theme: you will fuck up this recipe.

This is the one time where I might actually suggest using a resource provided by the Food Network, their website, along with websites like Allrecipes and Epicurious provide a nice ‘launching’ point for people who aren’t really quite sure what they’re doing. In the case of Epicurious and Allrecipes, I’ve known at least a couple of Executive Chefs who’ve told me just to pull recipes off of those particular sites when they don’t have a ready-made recipe they want to use.

Add “authentic” to whatever you’re googling.

This is how I’ve found my favorite food related website. Chances are there’s someone out there who has spent a great deal of their free time cataloguing traditional family recipes from their own respective ‘home’ country or region. My favorite go-to websites for tips in cooking classic Italian, German, or really any Ethnic Cuisine are either someone’s own personal website or blog.

Some of my favorite examples include:

Binnur’s Turkish Cookbook

And

Tasty German Recipes


Now that I've told you that: umm... continue to rely on me for creative, fun, and easy recipes your kids will crave! or something like that. I don't know... but keep reading my blog.

You Do Not Need to Ever Buy a Cook Book Ever Again.

I humbly submit to you: my reasoning.

1. Google It!

Every recipe ever is available online. Ever. There was a point where I’d get cook books every Christmas from my extended family because … well, it’s the laziest gift to give someone who “wants to get into cooking.” With the exception of the Star Trek Cookbook, which is more of a food prop guide than a cook book (because the recipes are terrible), I never much cared. Sure, I kept thinking “Oh, this’ll be neat” whenever I’d get one “I’m sure I can use it sometime to think up something” but when it really came down to it I’m way too lazy to thumb through a book when I can just type “Chocolate Cheesecake Recipe” into the Google and have a generally passable recipe in about 2 minutes.

Like This!

2. The Technique is More Important than the Ingredients.

What Cook Books I have kept and read are the professional textbooks like Gisslen’s Professional Cooking and Professional Baking which have a lot more to do with the technique than the recipe. If I want to remind myself how to fold butter and dough together to make Puff Pastry, or how to put together an obscure sauce I’ve not made in a while, I hop to one of those two books. It’s a great deal more like a technical manual than a “list of 30 dinner ideas your kids will love!” Once I’ve got the basics down, it’s (and keep in mind, everything I write here is strictly scientific*) at least a dozen times more fun to start improvising from that point.

3. Your Friends and Family Have Better Ideas.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned from watching Anthony Bourdain’s No Reservations - except that co-opting cultures is easier when you get paid to do it - it’s that big fancy chef type people love home-made food. For what it’s worth, some of my most successful dishes in the restaurant world have been adaptations of recipes I picked out of old family recipes. Same with the meals I’ve eaten. It’s why every ad for food in the history of ever has bragged about the product being “Just like Grandma Used to Make!” (I for one remember marching down on Christmas morning to find my grandmother standing over a hot stove of hydrogenated corn oil, high fructose corn syrup, and baker’s ammonia... [as for marching on Christmas, well, I'm from a German family.] )

4. Cook Books Cover the Same Territory Over and Over and Over…

With the exception of “Natural Harvest” cook books tend to tread over the same territory. Want an example?

Try here.
Or here.
Or here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, and here.

Or, alternatively:
here, here, or here.

… There’s about 391 more of those, btw.

5. The Gimmicks, Oh Lord, The Gimmicks.

We’ve already touched on Natural Harvest which is probably the grossest, and Grilling and Cooking Healthy For Kids, but  let’s not forget that just about everyone you’ve seen on TV has their own cook book. Should you learn to Grill from Bobby Flay’s book, or Emeril’s? How about Al Roker?

Insert joke about weather men

A quick browse around Amazon finds the following counts by genre:

Outdoor Cooking (that would be Grilling and Barbeque, by the by) : 262
Special Diet (Not like, Special Brownies Special): 20
Vegetables & Vegetarian: 18 (Green Beans and Bacon are vegetarian, right?)
Reference: 18 [Citation Needed]
Quick and Easy (Hey, just like your mom!): 33
Culinary Arts & Techniques: 20 (okay, some of these might be practical, but you probably don’t need 20 of them)
Regional & International: 41 (one for every country and region… that sounds right)
Special Occasions: 85 (“Grandma’s Funeral Burger” is my favorite)
Cooking by Ingredient: 72 (Why stop with Natural Harvest when your body produces so many more fluids?)
Special Appliances: 13 (Nobody ever wants to eat anything you cooked using a fleshlight)
Meals: 21 (if this is the section for meals, in what other context are you supposed to eat the other stuff?)
Baking: 19

… you’re getting the point of this.

Oh Wait: Those are just the books that have to do with Grilling. As in, There are 18 grilling reference books out there. Take into consideration then things like Fad Diets (In case you’ve never bothered to look it up, Atkins and South Beach are the EXACT SAME DIET), celebrity cookbooks, and other niche markets  designed for the kind of people who “burn water" and all the remainder of the 107,000+ cook books on Amazon.com and you'll see I’ve developed an irrefutable demonstration that every cookbook ever is a cheap gimmick to make a buck. EVERY COOKBOOK IS THE SAME.

*as certified by top scienticians.